Is it okay for me to use this app? (2023)

ER Part2Psoriasis and befriending a mental patient?!

Hi everyone. As you all know I was in the Hospital emergency room and while I was getting treated I noticed a strange Patient, a teenage girl walking around and getting out of her bed after the Nurse aid keeps telling her to sit down and stop it. The girl was aggravated and shouted she wants to go and to please give her back her clothes and phone so she can go home and call her parents. But no such luck. I was afraid of her as I sat in my chair. Watching her pace back and forth acting silly and strange scared me. She was wearing a long yellow Gown which is different from the gowns I was wear and the other patients. I guess her yellow gown was she was Mental, suffer from Drug addiction and overdose. Something like that? I really don’t know much about those stuff? I just wondered about her. Because she looks pretty cute and only a teenager who is under age. And probably still in high school. I know this because she talked a lot. She wanted to call her parents. But they won’t let her. They were holding her in the ER Acute Area because she drug addiction. Or overdose or something like that. She was troublemaker, a social worker was mentioned but she didn’t want to talk to a Social Worker. I didn’t know they had social workers in the Hospital Emergency room. Anyways, been watching her. And I realize she isn’t so bad. She said she’s been there for hours. And it was Her first or one time only she overdose, or was a drug addicted or something like that. Because she’s a teenager. I think?She had a strange look in her eyes and her hair was messy. I never came this close to a drug addiction person. Or a mentally unstable, ill person before??? Here I am in a Crowded ER room, and I met one. I only cared my time there and feeling better. But since I missed A Phone call from my Sister I tried calling her back but couldn’t because she was using the lobby pay phone. As I struggle to call my sister back but couldn’t reach her. And while taking my fluids, and hooked up with a needle in my arm and tubes I couldn’t move around as much. The girl sat down next to me on the next Chair pacing and panting trying to get the Annoying Nurse off her back because the Nurse keeps lecturing her and Babysitting her. She and I made eye contact as she grumbled and cursed on how she hated this Hospital. NYC Hospital because the staff services sucks and rude and they don’t do they’re job right. And it’s full of bullish!t!It’s too crowded and not organized enough to treat everyone. I decided to speak up. I told her “ Hmm I know. I don’t like this ER either. Umm can you help me call back my Sister?! She’s using the Pay phone in the lobby because she doesn’t have a phone of her own. I-I really need to call her back. But the phone number is not working. I can’t reach her?!”She said “ Oh okay. What number is it? Let me see,” I gulped nervously watching her. I showed her my phone and the number and I gave her my phone which was something I never do. I don’t let strangers touch my phone because I’m afraid they will steal it, damaged it or something. She looked at the number and tried to call it. But it was the Hospital Call center.She said,” Oh I don’t know? But try calling it and see if you can get through. I don’t know how it works.” She gave me back my phone. I just nodded. She wasn’t so bad. I never talk to strangers when I have a question or if I’m stuck , lost or struggling with a little problem or dilemma. But This was an Emergency I had to call my Sister Back!I tried and tried until I got through to a receptionist but she was rude and told me “ Miss I’m busy, I can’t be searching for your mom and sister I have too many patients. Please try to call her back and stay in touch.” Beep! Beep! I was mad! I couldn’t believe it!!I was so pissed off! I turned off my phone to relax and think of a next step to call my sister while the Teenage Girl got up and walked around the room some more. I really prayed my sister called me back a 3rd time that way I can answer immediately. Few minutes passed and Yes! My Sister called and I said “ Hello! I’m sorry I missed your call!!”My sister is smart. But struggled to use the Lobby’s pay phone. We talked and settled on our mishap. My mom and sister was worried about me because they were Both waiting so long outside for many hours. They are not allowed to Wait inside the ER’s waiting room. It was for patients ONLY. They were mad and felt bad. Because of COVID rules too. They had to wait outside in the heat. Or go to the second building waiting room. It late in the night too and they wanted to go home after nobody told them about me. Eventually, I told them I’m staying overnight and they can go Home. I turned around and noticed the Girl was talking and looked different. She had her clothes back on and a g got her belongings and phone. She had smile on her face. As she called her parents and got ready for Discharge. I smiled shyly and back to her. I said “ Heyy! You going home!”She nodded and smiled at me. She said “ Yeah!”She was so happy to get out of there. As I watched that young girl got discharged I couldn’t help to like her. She was entertaining.and amusing and concerning and utterly distraught over the drugs or whatever addiction she came here for. In the back of my mind; I’m glad she’s gone because she was still overall hyper and mental. The other part of me felt sorry for her and I wanted to talk to her about “stopping her addiction, to lay off the drugs and alcohol, and stay in school and try to be a good girl.”But I was shy. And stayed quiet. Because it’s none of my business. I don’t know her. So why should I say those things to her?It’s her life. I shouldn’t be judging her. I shouldn’t have these feelings for a total but I’m the Emergency room and yet I wanted to give her my name, possibly my number and Website to try. I wanted to give her THE INSPIRE APP. AS THIS APP HELPS THOSE IN NEED WITH ALL KINDS OF DRUG ADDICTION ILLNESSES. IF SHE HAD ONE??? I still don’t anything about this girl. But the thought didn’t crossed my mind until she left and I was stuck there alone spending my first night at the ER. Oh well…That was the only moment in my time in the ER I had empathy for stranger. A lot of patients are sick. Including me. That’s why I was there to get treated before my symptoms carry me over to a heart attack. The girl that sparked my interest me for the slightest will be in my thoughts. But overall I’m Still Afraid of her and all drug addicts and Substance Abuse users. Thanks I just wanted to share. Comment below on this emotional journal entry post.

Living Schizoaffective

I take psychiatric meds with side effects, and I often need to move. I pace frequently. So reading or working is difficult for me. This past morning, I accomplished a quick sit with -Head Space- app on my phone, and then I got motivated to read -Alice in Wonderland- One chapter was easy to read. The pace of the story is not at my usual rate with my okay comprehension. On the other hand, I admire the mastery of the author after he put down the words of that story. I hope that I will read another chapter by tomorrow. If I can get through a good portion of the book I will think of reading another book. I have in mind -Watership Down- fiction about personified rabbits. ...Sounds strange, and I remember how my relatives enjoyed reading and talking about -Watership Down-Other good books... of course as in A.A. "Take what I want and leave the rest..." -Wander Society- by Smith-Design the Life you Love- by BirselThanks, "Diofono"

Why are we driven by expectations?

Oh god, fair warning this is all over the place. I feel like the concept of expectations can be placed on a spectrum; one side is filled with good expectations and the other is filled with bad ones. I feel like this post may come off as naive or strictly biased, but I'm hoping it will make sense. Good expectations basically include things that are common sense (or at least, Should be common sense). Don't hit your kids, don't steal from the poor, be kind to each other... are all things that I consider to be inherently good expectations. They avoid hurting other people, and never really result in something Bad. (Yes, I know, the concept of what is good vs bad is up for major debate but this is just my take on it) But I think it gets to the point where expectations are so high they start to hurt the people trying to manage them. I see this a lot in some of my peers, they are constantly trying to keep up with expectations regarding school, their future, their social life, and just mainstream expectations society placed on them at birth. Although they may be some of the kindest, empathetic, and understanding people I have ever met, they are also suffering. Obviously, these examples are not true for everyone, and people go through different experiences, so not everyone can relate to this. However, I feel like I can't fully explain this without them, so here are a few observations I've made: Women are forced to uphold expectations regarding beauty and behavior. They aren't "allowed" to be loud, abrasive, immature, ugly, confident, rude, upfront or disobedient. Moreover, they're punished for showing any of these traits, they're expected to apologize for these traits, and they are conditioned to hide these traits or rid them of their character in order to be accepted by society. Not only are men not expected to hide some of these traits, but they are also encouraged to embrace them. When a male is confident he is seen as the person who "knows better" in a situation, and he expects everyone to listen to him. When a male is immature, (in ways like not helping out with household chores, throwing or breaking stuff) he is either given a pass for this behavior because it is being exuded as "typical guy behavior" or being doted upon for being angry instead of shunned. Personally, I have seen the exact opposite in regards to all the women I have met. Whenever they get frustrated, the men around them get frustrated as well. This is because it's seen as not "okay" for a woman to be angry. After showing their emotions, they will be written off as frivolous or unimportant because men's problems are seen as bigger or more important than what women go through. At the same time, women are expected to be there For men. What I mean by this is that "typical" (I hate using this word loosely) roles for women all center around doing or being something for a man. Women are supposed to provide comfort, support, empathy, understanding, kindness and sometimes even sex in order to make the male feel better, but when it comes to the emotions of women, they are expected to provide this support for themselves, without the help of the male. Because of this, women have all these expectations thrust upon them that they need to be better for the sake of the men in their lives, rather than for the sake of their own wellbeing. These expectations have impacted every woman I have ever met. Women are expected to care for a child as a single parent, while for men it's optional, and if the men choose to help they're put on this "hero" pedestal. Women are expected to be nice and understanding in any situation no matter how screwed up it may be, or how much it hurts them. Women are expected to wear heels that destroy their calves, satisfy their men in bed, apologize for how they're feeling, clean up after men, compliment men, always say yes to men... Women are blamed when they are raped as if what they were wearing had something to do with a male's decision to violently assault them. I knew one woman who was in and out of bad relationships since she was a teenager. She took her own life for "not being enough". When this happened, the thought that crossed my mind was, enough for who? Furthermore, women do all of this because they are afraid of what men will do if they don't comply. From physical abuse to general disappointment, it seems like whenever women don't obey the wishes of men they get the short end of the stick. When men ask for women to do something, and women are too busy at that time, instead of just saying "no" it seems as though they have to justify their actions as if they have to apologize for not alluding to the whims of men every second of their lives. This in turn can make them feel guilty for seemingly passing up an opportunity to "pay more attention" to the male. This makes it extremely difficult for women to love themselves; because anything other than what they do for men is seen as "bad". It's like the wants, needs, and expectations of the male are at the forefront of their minds instead of what they want or need for themselvesSo of course, this takes a drastic mental toll on women and what they grow up believing what they need to be. Women categorize themself as "other" by placing themselves After men. Some think their purpose is to fulfill the needs of men because of this mindset, and if they don't then they're somehow "failing" as a woman. It must be extremely difficult for women to find peace of mind when every thought is filled with how to make life better for someone else, even if that person does not care for them. Sure, there is a mass movement both online and on the streets (pre-pandemic of course) telling women to be more confident and work for themselves, and it has been getting better. Unfortunately, the culture is ingrained so deep in our minds, it takes a long time to unravel the full extent of this misogyny. I wish I could say some universal fix-it piece of advice that would speak to every woman reading this so they could start to work towards what they want, but unfortunately, I can't get through to all of them. Everyone has to deal with different forms of suffering, and it would take me a lifetime working through every single one. To some, this post may just be filled with empty words. I just want women to know that working towards their own happiness is okay. It is not selfish in any way, shape, or form to work towards your own wellbeing. It is okay to refuse the wants of men, even if they are your partner. It is definitely okay to disregard one-sided, unfair, or unrealistic expectations in order to make yourself feel better. You should not be put down for indulging yourself. You should not feel guilty for saying no. You should Not feel guilty for saying no. This post, of course, would seem slightly hypocritical if I didn't mention the harmful expectations placed upon men as well. Although this doesn't seem to be the case for every man I know, it seems like most men I come across constantly lie about being okay. The common phrase "I'm fine" is used by both women and men, of course, but from what I've seen it tends to be significantly harder for men to articulate a problem they have, which in turn, makes it harder to fix. While women are not as socially shunted for expressing emotions akin to grief or despair (it's more acceptable for women to cry) for men it can be more difficult. Men tend to act out their sorrow by turning it into anger. This is not only harmful to them, and what they believe to be a healthy way to let out their emotions, but it's harmful to those around them. From what I've noticed, men (and women, but in a different way) tend to inherit character traits and beliefs from mainstream media sources. The popular series featuring James Bond, for example, holds up this male icon on a pedestal who is supposed to represent peak "masculinity". Although there are good traits 007 holds, such as cleverness, compassion, and a drive to be better and help as many people as he can, there are some questionable traits Bond possesses that men associate with "normal" masculinity. 007 beds many women, 007 shoots bad guys, 007 monologues about what he believes is the greater good, everyone listens to 007 and if they don't then he keeps doing his thing until everyone sees how he apparently knew better all along. These traits turn into personalized expectations that men think they have to uphold in order to "be a man", so when the time comes where they find themselves Not in possession of all of these traits, it can lead to disappointment and a sense of failure. This can make it awful for men to separate what they really want and what people tell them they want. Sure, men want to be a charming secret agent who single-handedly saves the world and is the local heartthrob of any woman they meet, but this is a Major unrealistic expectation for men. Moreover, it feeds the idea that having More is the same as getting what you want (I find this belief to be especially prominent in American culture) More power, more authority, more money, more women – all fall into this category of a man continuously needing more stimulation in order to be content (not to mention the blatant objectification of women by being categorized as an object that men have to "possess" in order to be happy) Not only is it unrealistic, it feeds into this harmful, depressing idea that men will never be enough if they don't own enough... stuff. From what I have seen, men deal with managing these expectations in certain ways. Video games nowadays seem to be a very popular way for men to "escape" into this fantasy world where they can act as this heroic protagonist. They can solve little puzzles, win tournaments, shoot people, anything to relieve the anxiety of not being what society has shared to be the "perfect man". It can temporarily satisfy their need to be "enough" or "useful" while at the same time being fed a constant stream of dopamine with every little pixelated reward. In some ways, this is completely fine. Until it becomes an addiction.*I just want to say to any man who cares to listen, an accumulation of objects and women does not guarantee happiness. A lack of this does not make you a failure. Letting go of these harmful ideas of what "masculinity" is maybe the most powerful thing you can do in a world where you're either labeled as a failure, or you're constantly chasing a fantasy. There are many, Many other ways people are driven by expectations, especially when it comes to women vs men. I'm just tired of people putting so much emphasis on what is expected of them, or expected of others regarding their gender. And although I definitely believe women are harmed more than men from these expectations, I did want to acknowledge how men can face particular unrealistic expectations as well. And again, I cannot speak for everyone. *I have had this problem too. I fell into a fantasy that I did not want to wake up from because then I would have to face everything I have not done in order to better my life, and everything I have done to hurt it. Fantasy is fine in small quantities, but when people use it to ignore real-life problems it can have drastic side effects. I think video games do a good job of feeding fantasy. People start assuming they know better because the rewards system from these games tells them they can solve any problem that crosses their path. People start seeing other people as either an obstacle in their way of success or a person whose sole purpose is to help the protagonist complete their quest, which places people into strict categories in their mind: (friend or foe? helper or villain?)

Get Your S**t Together

I've started another list. It's titled "Get Your Sh*t Together", as if none of the other lists I've made aren't telling me to do the same thing.I guess that's my problem though, is that I always intend to do all the right things, get my "adulting" on, live my best life...but it never seems to actually work like that. Sometimes I get pretty close, but then something or another comes around and either royally messes things up or just puts this weird cloud over me. I think of how I should be happy, because HOT DAMN this life is a million times better than my past life (I am open to sharing what this means, but figured I'd save the details unless someone was actually asking). And I am happy! But apparently not happy enough? I'm constantly trying to improve things - my health habits, my nutrition, my social life, etc. But I rarely ever get around to actually doing it. The weirdest part is that when I go into it I already know that I'm most likely not going to go through with it. Which I also think is okay! Because I should have the ability to make those choices. But then why am I so upset with myself for choosing the "wrong" or "lazy" way? Procrastination is a huge part of this, because you can always do something later, right? I'll get all those good accomplishment feels eventually, I don't need to get up and do that thing right now. Sometimes I never get to the "eventually". Today I've been feeling kind of like a quitter. Like a failure. And then feeling this way makes me feel bad about feeling that way since I'm really doing alright in life, so why am I complaining so much...it's a vicious cycle. Recently I've been going through some medical things, all searching for why my body doesn't function like a "normal" 23 year old. The weird thing about chronic pain is that if you grew up with it, you don't really realize it isn't actually normal to always hurt. I'm mad at my body. I don't always do right by it, but I do the best with what I have. So there's this long list of appointments, medication trials, and specialist referrals that I have to leave pending, making me feel like it's just another task that will never be completed. Sometimes I feel that way about my mental health too. "Eventually" I'll have a steady counselor that I can actually afford, who cares about my deeply rooted issues more than about what happened at work yesterday. "Eventually" I'll have a friend that would be answer ANY time I called. "Eventually" I'll be better at self-control and not being such a quitter. "Eventually" I'll be a better daughter, friend, and lover. Isn't that all we ever want to be, a better human? There's a nice new dark cloud that my brain has slowly congured up in the past few months. I've met many of these clouds before, and this is definitely not the stormiest, but that doesn't make it any less of a cloud.

The Dangers Of Artificial Sweeteners.

Few of us are really aware of how many new Splenda® products there are in the supermarkets. We've been told that this artificial sweetener is different from all the past failures SweetN Low, Nutra-Sweet, etc. and according to the claims, that this Splenda is the perfect sugar substitute: as sweet as sugar, but no calories; as sweet as sugar, but no surge in insulin; as sweet as sugar, but no side effects or long-term health damage.The wave is coming because low sugar or sugar free is the latest fad a welcome trend, given the health hazards of all the sugar in the average diet. But of the hundreds of new diet foods that will soon appear, most will use Splenda as a sugar substitute. This is important because for tens of millions of women, their diet soda or artificially-sweetened food is a keystone of what they think are healthy nutrition and food choices both for themselves and for their families.On the other side of the argument are responsible experts who say that Splenda is unsafe the latest in a succession of artificial sweeteners that claim at first to be healthy, only later to be proven to be full of side effects. These authorities say that Splenda has more in common with DDT than with food.What do we believe? We think that our regulatory system doesn't do a good enough job ensuring our long-term safety. Were concerned about the bigger picture, too the dependence on sweets in the American diet to make us feel good whether those sweets are satisfied by sugar or artificial sweeteners like Splenda. And we are especially sensitive to the women who can benefit from using artificial sweeteners as a bridge to a better life with healthier nutrition.What should you think about artificial sweeteners? We want you to be fully informed about the dangers of Splenda (which isn't what food marketers want!) so you can make the best choices for yourself and for your family. So lets make sure you are.Splenda the public health experiment Low sugar is the successor to the low carb craze, even though they are essentially the same thing. According to the New York Times, by the end of this summer 11% of the food items on supermarket shelves will be labeled reduced sugar most of those targeted at kids and their health-conscious moms. Sales in granulated sugar have dropped four percent in the past six months. Whats behind this trend? Splenda.Products featuring Splenda are perceived as natural because even the FDAs press release about sucralose parrots the claim that “it is made from sugar an assertion disputed by the Sugar Association, which is suing Splendas manufacturer, McNeil Nutritionals.The FDA has no definition for natural, so please bear with us for a biochemistry moment: Splenda is the trade name for sucralose, a synthetic compound stumbled upon in 1976 by scientists in Britain seeking a new pesticide formulation. It is true that the Splenda molecule is comprised of sucrose (sugar) except that three of the hydroxyl groups in the molecule have been replaced by three chlorine atoms. (To get a better picture of what this looks like, see this image of a sucralose molecule.)While some industry experts claim the molecule is similar to table salt or sugar, other independent researchers say it has more in common with pesticides. Thats because the bonds holding the carbon and chlorine atoms together are more characteristic of a chlorocarbon than a salt and most pesticides are chlorocarbons. The premise offered next is that just because something contains chlorine doesn't guarantee that its toxic. And that is also true, but you and your family may prefer not to serve as test subjects for the latest post-market artificial sweetener experiment however unique. (See our article on endocrine disruptors for more information on toxins and persistent organic pollutants.)Once it gets to the gut, sucralose goes largely unrecognized in the body as food thats why it has no calories. The majority of people dont absorb a significant amount of Splenda in their small intestine about 15% by some accounts. The irony is that your body tries to clear unrecognizable substances by digesting them, so its not unlikely that the healthier your gastrointestinal system is, the more you'll absorb the chlorinated molecules of Splenda.So, is Splenda safe? The truth is we just dont know yet. There are no long-term studies of the side effects of Splenda in humans. The manufacturers own short-term studies showed that very high doses of sucralose (far beyond what would be expected in an ordinary diet) caused shrunken thymus glands, enlarged livers, and kidney disorders in rodents. (A more recent study also shows that Splenda significantly decreases beneficial gut flora.) But in this case, the FDA decided that because these studies weren't based on human test animals, they were not conclusive. Of course, rats had been chosen for the testing specifically because they metabolize sucralose more like humans than any other animal used for testing. In other words, the FDA has tried to have it both ways they accepted the manufacturers studies on rats because the manufacturer had shown that rats and humans metabolize the sweetener in similar ways, but shrugged off the safety concerns on the grounds that rats and humans are different. In our view, determining that something is safe (or not) in laboratory rats isn't a definitive answer, as we've seen countless examples of foods and drugs that have proved dangerous to humans that were first found to be safe in laboratory rats, both in short- and long-term studies.Here are two other reasons for our concern: first, in the eleven years after Splenda was put on the market, no independent studies of sucralose lasting more than six months have been done in humans. Second, none of the trials that were done was very large, the largest was 128 people studied for three months, making us wonder, what happens when you've used sucralose for a year, or two, or ten? Then theres the fact that Splenda, as a product, consists of more than just sucraloses made with dextrose, and sometimes also with maltodextrin, neither of which were included in the original studies and trials of sucralose. So the reality is that we are the guinea pigs for Splenda.And now, are our children the next trial group? Thanks to an agreement between McNeil Nutritionals (makers of Splenda) and PTO Today, which provides marketing and fund-raising aid to parents associations, your elementary schools next bake sale may be sponsored by Splenda complete with baked goods made with the product.Splenda side effects:Evidence that there are side effects of Splenda is accumulating little by little. Sucralose has been implicated as a possible migraine trigger, for example. Self-reported adverse reactions to Splenda or sucralose collected by the Sucralose Toxicity Information Center include skin rashes/flushing, panic-like agitation, dizziness and numbness, diarrhea, swelling, muscle aches, headaches, intestinal cramping, bladder issues, and stomach pain. These show up at one end of the spectrum in the people who have an allergy or sensitivity to the sucralose molecule. But no one can say to what degree consuming Splenda affects the rest of us, and there are no long-term studies in humans with large numbers of subjects to say one way or the other if its safe for everyone.If this sounds familiar, it should: we went down the same path with aspartame, the main ingredient in Equal and NutraSweet. Almost all of the independent research into aspartame found dangerous side effects in rodents. The FDA chose not to take these findings into account when it approved aspartame for public use. Over the course of 15 years, those same side effects increasingly appeared in humans. Not in everyone, of course but in those who were vulnerable to the chemical structure of aspartame.As food additives, artificial sweeteners are not subject to the same gauntlet of FDA safety trials as pharmaceuticals. Most of the testing is funded by the food industry, which has a vested interest in the outcome. This can lead to misleading claims on both sides.But one thing is certain: some of the chemicals that comprise artificial sweeteners are known hazards the degree to which you experience side effects just depends on your individual biochemistry. Manufacturers are banking on the fact that our bodies wont absorb very much of these compounds at any one time. And many of us dont. But what happens when we are ingesting a combination of artificial sweeteners like Splenda dozens of times a week through many different low-sugar or sugar free products?People have been using artificial sweeteners for decades. Some react poorly, some dont the problem is, you never know until you're already sick. Scientists are calling Splenda a mild mutagen, based on how much is absorbed. Right now, its anyones guess what portion of the population is being exposed to the dangers of Splenda or already suffering from Splenda side effects. Until an independent, unbiased research group conducts long-term studies on humans (six months is hardly long-term!), how can we be certain? With all the new Splenda products on our shelves, it looks as if we are now in the process of another grand public experiment without our permission. And we may not know the health implications for decades. As with all things, time will unveil truth.So I urge you to be concerned about the potential dangers of Splenda as with any unnatural substance you put in your body. And I am especially concerned about its use for children, which I recommend you avoid. But unlike many holistic practitioners, I do think artificial sweeteners can serve a purpose for some women. And that has to do with the old question which is better, sugar or an artificial sweetener? Lets start with sugar, where the problems all begin.Sugar and insulin: the energy rushFor Example: Like Pooh Bear and the honey jar, sweet treats are the comfort food of choice for most of us. Usually we've had powerful emotional incentives set up in childhood like getting a lollipop after a doctors visit and most of us unconsciously associate sugar with love, pleasure, and reward. Why else would we call our dear ones honey, sugar,and sweetie?Theres an equally strong biological urge here thats hard-wired. Were predisposed to seek out sugar when we can find it. After all, sugar (sucrose) is a carbohydrate. Its metabolized directly into blood sugar, or glucose, which fuels our brain and muscles. The purer the source, the faster it gets into the bloodstream, bypassing much of the digestive process.Eating sugar shoots our blood sugar levels up and triggers a spike in the hormone insulin, which is needed to prep our cells to absorb the sugar. If there are no other nutrients to sustain our blood sugar level, it crashes as quickly as it rises and we crave another hit. This is how sugar addiction begins.Moreover, sugar floods us with pleasure by stimulating the release of the neurotransmitterserotonin, and probably other mood-elevating substances. Scientists report that eating chocolate initiates a brain response similar to falling in love.And so our brains have learned over time to equate the taste of sweet with a rapid infusion of energy and pleasure a good thing when food was hard-won and life a battle to survive. Even now when we eat sweet foods, special taste buds trigger enzymes that prime our brain to anticipate this extra boost. With a balanced diet and a healthy metabolism, a calorie control mechanism kicks in after a few minutes to regulate the desire for more food, including the satiety hormone leptin. But with too much sugar, we eat and eat and cant get satisfied. (For more on this process, see our article on insulin resistance.)Another big difference between prehistoric times and now is that sugar back then came solely from complex natural sources that had other nutritional qualities, such as fruit, honey, bark, and leaves. And because naturally sweet food is seasonal, ripening with the sun in the summer or growing almost exclusively in warm climates, it was relatively rare in past times.The evolution of sugarOver thousands of years our bodies used naturally sweet food safely and efficiently in this way. But then what happened? As our knowledge evolved, we grew adept at refining pure sugar from its food source. Sugar became its own food group an empty calorie, devoid of protein, fat, or fiber but still relatively rare.As shipping and trade routes grew, sugar became widely available. New refining technology put granulated white sugar on every table, replacing the more nutritionally complex honey, molasses, barley and maple sugars. These had been generally added to food after preparation or to taste during baking and preserving, not pumped into the food itself.Enter the modern era with its advanced food-processing techniques and competitive food companies, and presto! Refined sugar is everywhere and in everything.Sugar is a food processors fantasy: its cheap, it adds bulk and texture, and it makes consumers prefer their product over a less-sweet alternative. So now consumers get sugar everywhere, from simple carbohydrates (so-called white food) to pure granulated sugar, and in other forms like dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltodextrin, and high fructose corn syrup. These empty calories take the place of real nutrients so while we eat and gain weight, were actually starving our cells.The health effects of sugarWhat happens to our metabolism, on all that sugar? Remember, were still primitive at a cellular level. What starts out initially as a survival tool quickly becomes a crutch if sugar is easy to procure. A sugar craving (which is really a craving for an energy and serotonin surge) becomes a habit.We unwittingly reprogram our biochemistry to perpetuate these cravings. Whats more, this process is exacerbated by stress because thats when your body needs immediate energy and serotonin. We often put our bodies through the binge crash cycle several times a day. Your fatigue tells you to have that extra cup of coffee or high-carb snack at mid-morning and again in the afternoon.When you look at the huge increase in sugar in our diets this past century particularly in processed foods you see that it marches in step with the epidemic increase in metabolic diseases. According to the US Department of Agriculture, the average American is supplied with 140 pounds of caloric sweeteners per year. Thats 43 teaspoons for every man, woman and child every day! The USDA recommends an average of 10 teaspoons a day for a healthy adult (still too much for most women, in my book). The biggest sources are the corn sugar and corn syrup found in beverages like juice drinks and soda.If we really listened to our bodies, we probably wouldn't consume so much sugar. Our love affair with sugar has enjoyed a slow and subtle evolution with daily nudges from the food industry. But our bodies simply aren't equipped to handle such large amounts of sugar on a daily basis. Even in the short term, too much sugar can trigger headaches, tooth decay, and indigestion.Over time, your body loses the ability to make enough sugar-digesting enzymes to meet the demand, and sugar sensitivity develops. Women tend to notice this more during perimenopause, when excess sugar and other simple carbohydrates trigger symptoms of hormonal imbalance.Excess sugar consumption also upsets the balance of intestinal flora in your digestive tract and can cause symptoms of intestinal distress such as bloating, cramping, and gas (for more on this, see our section on digestion). Other symptoms of sugar sensitivity are headaches, insomnia, aggression, panic attacks, irritability, mood swings, and depression. Too much sugar can deplete levels of serotonin, the neurotransmitter whose deficiency is linked to depression. Whats worse, low levels of serotonin actually trigger more sugar cravings.New studies in accelerated aging link elevated sugar intake with a process called glycosylation: proteins in our bodies morph into AGEs, or advanced glycosylation end-products, a kind of metabolic debris that collects in our organ, joint, and skin tissues.Long-term sugar intolerance leads to type 2 diabetes and other complications like obesity andinflammation. Drinking more than one soda a day raises your risk of serious weight gain by 80%.If its a natural food, why is sugar so hard to digest? Again, its the sheer quantity not the substance itself that causes concern. Studies show that our bodies actually work harder in sugars afterburn to restore metabolic homeostasis.So is it any surprise that we've turned to artificial sweeteners for answers? For women trying to stay healthy, artificial sweeteners can seem like the best of both worlds sugar without calories. But there simply is no free lunch. Artificial sweeteners can be just as troublesome, with one exception: sugar addiction those of us who simply cannot stop eating sugar once we start. In this case, artificial sweeteners may help short-circuit the dependency.Aspartame and saccharin: are they safer than Splenda?Aside from Splenda, the most popular artificial sweeteners are aspartame (and its cousin, neotame) and saccharin. Foods with these additives are marketed to women as low-fat, low-sugar, and low-calorie.Diet programs like Weight Watchers sell low-calorie foods that trade real nutrients for artificial ingredients, including sugar substitutes. I think its great to try and lose unwanted weight, but I question whether these packaged items should be marketed as healthy choices. Good nutrition needs to take more into account than calories and fat content especially when it comes to how many artificial sweeteners were eating and what were mixing them with.Dangers in aspartame:Aspartame, the main ingredient in Equal and NutraSweet, is responsible for the most serious cases of poisoning, because the body actually digests it. Aspartame should be avoided by most women, but particularly in those with neuropsychiatric concerns. Recent studies in Europe show that aspartame use can result in an accumulation of formaldehyde in the brain, which can damage your central nervous system and immune system and cause genetic trauma. The FDA admits this is true, but claims the amount is low enough in most that it shouldn't raise concern. I think any amount of formaldehyde in your brain is too much.Aspartame has had the most complaints of any food additive available to the public. Its been linked with MS, lupus, fibromyalgia and other central nervous disorders. Possible side effects of aspartame include headaches, migraines, panic attacks, dizziness, irritability, nausea, intestinal discomfort, skin rash, and nervousness. Some researchers have linked aspartame with depression and manic episodes. It may also contribute to male infertility.Saccharin:Saccharin, the first widely available chemical sweetener, is hardly mentioned any more. Better-tasting NutraSweet took its place in almost every diet soda, but saccharin is still an ingredient in some prepared foods, gum, and over-the-counter medicines. Remember those carcinogen warnings on the side of products that contained saccharin? They no longer appear because industry testing showed that saccharin only caused bladder cancer in rats. Most researchers agree that in sufficient doses, saccharin is carcinogenic in humans. The question is, how do you know how much artificial sweeteners your individual body can tolerate?That being said, some practitioners think saccharin in moderation is the best choice if you must have an artificially sweetened beverage or food product. Its been around a relatively long time and seems to cause fewer problems than aspartame. I dont argue with this recommendation, but I encourage you to find out as much as you can about any chemical before you ingest it.Artificial sweeteners are body toxins. They are never a good idea for pregnant women, children or teenagers despite the reduced sugar content because of possible irreversible cell damage. If you decide its worth the risks, then go ahead, but pay attention to your body and your cravings. Once you start tracking your response to artificial sweeteners, it may surprise you.Short-circuiting the insulin spike:Basically, artificial sweeteners confuse your brain. The enzymes in your mouth begin a cascade that primes your cell receptors for an insulin surge, and when it doesn't arrive your brain feels cheated. Thats why most diet sodas are loaded with caffeine so you'll still feel a jolt.But even if your brain is distracted momentarily, soon enough it wants the energy boost you promised it and you find yourself craving carbohydrates. In one study, people who used artificial sweeteners ate up to three times the amount of calories as the control group. But again, this is individual. It all comes down to the brains perception of calories, which can get thrown off whenever artificial ingredients are substituted for whole food.In my practice I've seen that many patients are better able to break their addiction to sugar and maintain weight loss with the help of sugar substitutes. This is probably because insulin is not involved. Also, the substitutes are hundreds of times sweeter than sugar, so you may use less of them. In certain cases, I think moderate use of artificial sweeteners is okay — as long as you feel well.But you should know that sugar substitutes dont have to be artificial. There is another way!Stevia and sorbitol natural alternatives to artificial sweetenersOther countries and diabetics have both taught us a lot about controlling insulin naturally. For many years, diabetics have used products sweetened with polyalcohol sugars like sorbitol, xylitol, malitol, and mannitol. These are natural sweeteners that do not trigger an insulin reaction. (Xylitol can be derived from birch tree pulp.) They have half the calories of sugar and are not digested by the small intestine.While most polyalcohol sugars have no side effects, sorbitol is a natural laxative and can cause diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, bloating and flatulence.For this reason, we recommend the herb stevia (Stevia rebaudiana) over sorbitol as a natural sweetener to our patients. Known in South America as the sweet herb, stevia has been used for over 400 years without ill effect. Stevia has been enormously popular in Japan, where it has been in use for more than 20 years, now rivaling Equal and Sweet N Low. Its 200- 300 times sweeter than sugar, so just a small portion of stevia will sweeten even a strong cup of tea.We've known about stevia in the US since 1918, but pressure from the sugar import trade blocked its use as a commodity. Today stevia is slowly gaining steam as a sugar substitute, despite similar hurdles. The FDA has approved its use as a food supplement, but not as a food additive due to a lack of studies. Stevia can be used for anything you might use sugar in, including baking. It is naturally low in carbohydrates. You can buy stevia at most health food stores and over the web. There will always be those who have a sensitivity to a substance, but based on reports from other countries it appears to have little to no side effects. For women who want to move through their cravings for sugar without artificial chemicals, stevia is a great option.More importantly, you can do a lot to support your body in other ways to reduce your dependency on sugar and sugar substitutes something I encourage every woman to do. Once your body returns to its natural state of balance, you may find that you can toss out those artificial sweeteners and put sugar in its proper place: where you have control over it and not vice versa.Artificial sweeteners are chemicals, not food! They have no calories because they dont nourish your body in anyway they're toxins your body has to clear, or, depending on how well you detoxify, store. But if you cant live without your diet drink, dont beat yourself up about it. Accept it and give your body extra support elsewhere.Living the sweet life with better nutrition:At our practice, we encourage our patients to build their snacks and meals from whole food, which means food that has not been processed and manipulated. Your food should resemble its source as closely as possible (e.g., fresh fish, not fish sticks). And this includes sugar. Even if you dont have a reaction or sensitivity to sugar, continue to use refined sugar rarely, if ever. Instead, sweeten sparingly with the more nutritionally complex natural sugars such as honey, rice syrup, molasses, and maple syrup.If you already suffer from weight gain, diabetes, inflammation, chronic pain, migraines, headaches, or depression, you may have sugar intolerance. Check with your healthcare practitioner and try the elimination diet, eliminating sugar entirely from your diet for a couple of weeks, then reintroducing it for a day to see how you feel. Many of our patients are amazed at how much better they feel after breaking the sugar habit.Remember these healthy habits:Take a daily multivitamin to support your bodys nutritional needs.Eat protein, healthy fats and complex carbohydrates for breakfast. Simple carbs and sugar fire up your insulin receptors and spark those sugar cravings. Starting your day with a sugary or high-carb breakfast dooms you to a day of up-and-down blood sugar levels — which will drive you to eat too much of the wrong things all day long.Shop the perimeter of your grocery store avoid the processed foods in the center aisles. Read all labels and be wary of food that contains aspartame, neotame, saccharin, acesulfame K, or sucralose. No studies have been done on the safety of mixing artificial sweeteners, and who wants to become a living, breathing test subject. So if you consume them, do so prudently.Minimize or avoid products that have sugar, high-fructose corn syrup or corn syrup near the top of their ingredient list. Sugar can also be disguised as evaporated cane juice, cane sugar, beet sugar, glucose, sucrose, maltose, maltodextrin, dextrose, sorbitol, fructose, corn sugar, fruit juice concentrate, barley malt, caramel, and carob syrup.Keep a bowl of fresh ripe fruit nearby to snack on, to relieve your sugar cravings. Think primitive and eat fruit that is in season. The fresher the fruit, the more succulent and satisfying it will be. You may find you dont need anything sweeter!If you are craving something sweet, dont feel guilty. Were often made to feel that avoiding sugar is only matter of willpower, but its more complicated than that. Most of the time, uncontrollable or patterned cravings stem from a malfunctioning metabolism or low serotonin. Work on healthy nutrition and you'll find your cravings will disappear.Indulge yourself sometimes. Remember, we have sweet taste buds for a reason. Try a piece of fruit first you may find your craving diminishes. If you still want a piece of chocolate or pie, go ahead! But savor it slowly like a rare treat you may not have again for a while. Once your brain is allowed to fully register the experience, you may find you're sated after a few bites. And, to help balance out the accompanying insulin surge, eat a piece of protein with it. Just make it a treat, not a habit.Remember that wine and alcohol are sugar. When it comes to sugar, having a glass or two of wine every day is just like a daily dessert.Take a short walk after eating and breathe in deeply.It’s likely you wont want dessert after all! And if you do, you'll appreciate it more.Focus more on what you'd like to cook and eat than what you shouldn't. If you listen to your body, it may surprise you with a craving for eggs, not a diet soda.Finding comfort in the right placesAfter taking a closer look at what you eat, it may also be useful for you to examine the role sweet food plays in your life. This often ties in to deep associations and emotions buried in childhood. Perhaps you always crave sugar in the mornings because you associate family, home, and security with the pancake breakfasts your mother used to make.But just as a pancake breakfast wont satisfy your emotional longings, fake sugar wont feed your bodys needs nor real sugar, for that matter. There simply are no shortcuts in that department. Facing what is really going on in our emotions, our bodies, and our lives can be challenging, and its tempting to take the easy out, buffeted by sugary treats and comfort food. In my experience, that path only leads back to the same place more pain, and eventually, sickness.So I encourage you to nourish yourself from the inside out, with healthy food, self-care, and healthy relationships. In life there is bound to be some bitterness the secret is to restore enough balance to delight in the sweet.The information supplied in this article is not to be considered as medical advice and is for educational purposes only.

My Thoughts Right Now, Kind of Scattered

It's been a tough few weeks. I passed out in the shower so we ended up getting me a shower chair. At first I was a little hesitant, but I got it, and understood the reason of it.It's actually pretty cool because I can sit in it and maneuver myself so I never have to leave my chair because there are handles on each side I can useIt. It's pretty awesome and I don't worry about falling in bed anymore.Then I passed out on my bed. I tried to step out of it and went down and my head hit that board on the bottom of the bed. My dog Cappie usually warns my family when I pass out (he'a never been trained or anything) and he started barking about 9:15 so we think that's when I passed out. I was out for hours so my parents took me to MUSC Florence because Dillon's hospital is not too good and has this terrible doctor named Dr. Yokel (actually I have a friend who is a nurse and she says that he takes male complaints seriously, but with females he blows them off as anxiety). Who in the world would want someone like that taking care of them in a serious situation. I don't remember anything for a long time. My nuerologist came down to see me. I came to when he was there. I was really groggy so he kept me over night to have some tests run. They keep thinking it's seizures and in addition to the brain wave sxan he wanted to do an MRI but I couldn't have one because of my pacemaker. When I was at this other doctors I got sent to something weird showed up on their brain wave screen that they did and I had to stay in MxLeoad an extra day for the test they did there. They kept calling the pacer company to see if they could give me an MRI because apparently that is the best test for them. Anyway, back to my hospital visit the other day. Dr. Owens (my nuerologist) admitted me to have some tests run on me. The tests ended up fine, thank goodness. The hospitalist was going to let me go and they had to tell him that Dr. Owens had admitted me. My dad was talking about what an idiot the hospitalist was and my mom agreed. So I finally get back to my room. My parents were already there but I had to take more tests, which took forever. They were great. They let me go to the regular bathroom as long as my mom signed a contract that she would help me. The nurses were amazed i could sel -cath. I though that was pretty funny. People who had to catherize people all the time were amazed I could cath myself. I had to use one of theirs, though, until mine got their and mine are really small and this one looked like a firehose. I inserted it and peed but I was like, "Why ayeym I not hearing it in the bowl?" Thank goodness I realized quick because a little bit of pee got on the floor. I called to my mom for soap and paper towels and when she came she was like, "We need the nurse and disinfectant." So I called the nurse. I kept apologizing, She really liked me though. We kept talking about stuff and each time she was reluctant to leave my room. And she kept bringing me drinks, cherios, graham crackers, and kept asking if there was anything else I wanted when she would stop by. Oh, and my dad said we both got yelled at by some nurse when we were coming in. He got yelled at for not getting an ambulance and I got yelled at for not talking to her. I don't know how she expected me to talk to her when I was unconscious but okay, crazy woman. My dad ran into her later and explained why he did what he did and then she started defending herself and she just kept going "Sir, Sir," as he walked away. The doctor that he couldn't stand the day before, he loved the next day.The doctor said I was on too much medication. Of course, the paper had meds I was no longer on as well as meds I was on. He wanted to take my asthma tablets out and when I stopped my spiriva to try to save my paernts some money I had the worst asthma problems. It took weeks, two doses of prednisone, and 3 antibiotics to get over it. Sorry, not going off asthma meds again. Then he had me going off Rexulti (which I had not been on in forever) and increasing my Prozac to 120mg. I'm scared of that. Everything I have heard of, from my psychiatrist and on the internet, says 80 mg is the highest to go and my understanding is mine is so high because OCD takes a really high dose. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it helps my anxiety and depression, too. He changed my lithium to 300 mg from 600 mg (never mind I took a blood test which showed my lithium leverl at 300 mg was too low). Then he tried to changed the Northera to 600 mg 3 times a day instead of my current 100 mg 3 times a day. He told my dad I was on too many drugs, which made my dad's day because he said, I always knew it, I kept teling she and her mother that. So he took of my "meds," all but four of which I was no longer taking. My mom and I were talking on the way home and I told her 120 mg of Prozac was way too high. Then I told her he wanted to tripled my Northera I had just been put on 100 mg 3 times a day. She was getting mad and like who does he think he is because we both like Northera, but we're kind of wary of it. Then I told her he wanted to take away my asthma tablets and literally a week ago I had a major battle with asthma that took two weeks to get rid of because I quit my spiriva. He also tried to get rid of my linzess. Due to my gastroparesis, I get constipated, and the linzess and motility are pretty much necessities. And he wanted to make me stop one of my nausea meds. He should have gastroparesis and do that. So we just went on as usual.But my dad is gloating to everyone he talks to that the good thing was that the doctor recognized I was on too many medicines and took some of them off.

It's a good thing I'm flexible...

You can bend me like a contortionist! This way and that and I won't break! (At least I'd like to think so. Especially some days I can't even touch my toes!) Just call me gumby! MOLD ME! Do what you like, I won't snap. I promise! Okay, maybe I will just a little bit BUT THE PREDNISONE MADE ME DO IT! ;)Bob and I had a great trip planned for this summer. 2 actually! Both out of state. But guess whose rheumy told her, "You must stay close. While you are on MTX you never know what could happen. It wouldn't be wise for you to go to far while your body is still adjusting."Okay! So the doctor makes sense. Damn. Don't you just hate it when doctors care about you?! ;-) So with that I tell Bob, "Now what? Can't you tell I'm soaking wet?" Bob: "WHAT?!" Me: "My rheumy just busted my bubble. See I'm drenched. Now what are we going to do?" Once he caught on he laughed. My dork. "Well, I don't know babe. What do you want to do?" Really?? I want to leave! I want to go out of state! I want to see Nevada and Chicago! And Missouri again! That' what I want.. I began to search.Hours and hours scrolling on my computer. Thank God for the internet! I came across a hotel called the Palmer Hotel in sauk centre, mn. It's apparently haunted. :D Right up Bob's alley. He's thrilled! It's still in Minnesota, so I'll always be "close" to my dr. I told Bob and his eyes twinkled. We have a winner! I called and made reservations for a night in room 17. It's on the 3rd floor, jacuzzi suite, haunted by a prostitute named Lucy. Nice huh? FYI she HATES men! Way to go Bob for picking something scary!"OKAY! So we have one night, now what?" Bob: I don't know." Of course you don't.... *eye roll* Back to searching... I want to go out of state but need to be close... options are Wisconsin or North Dakota... Wisconsin... Amnicon falls?? YES!I did some research, some hotel booking, and the 23rd Bob and I will be heading over to Duluth and then to South Range Wisconsin to Amnicon fall in South Range Wisconsin. You can actually SWIM IN THE WATER FALLS!!! SWEET!!!! Plus we're still out of state. ;) So that's 2 days down. We want just one more. From there, the following day we are going up to Two Harbors, Mn where we will go to gooseberry falls, and agate bay where you can search for agates. Those really cool multi colored rocks. Google it. Lol So all these things we never did before we will do now! Then we had an issue with July when we were to go Chicago. We promised his mommy we would come down and Bob said, "I would be happy to go to a Twin's game..." I got the hint. I purchased 2 twins vs Indians tickets last night. Indians are Bob's favorite team! And then we are going to the Mall of America and checking out the aquarium and then kayaking the mississippi! So doctors! Bend me all you like!! I won't snap. I'll just read between the lines, find a few loopholes, and do what you say, without doing what you say. :)

I had a dream! More like a nightmare...

So I believe strongly that our dreams coincide with our reality somehow. Pending of course what the dream is like. If all of a sudden you dream you turned into a popsicle and a 10 foot bunny ate you, well sorry. You are on your own there! But I've also been learning lately not to take things so seriously when it comes to dreaming. But then here is my conundrum! Why is it the past 3 nights I've had a dream about people who are in my life, or used to be in my life but aren't anymore. Example: Dream 1) I had a dream I drove mattress card 65 miles to see a friend of mine. Hmm.. I can read something into that. Dream 2) I had a dream that someone that I used to be really close to finally excepted my apology over something I don't even recall doing and finally listened to me like a grown up. Makes sense. I miss her. I miss her like crazy! She's 20 miles away from me and more than anything I would love for us to have our friendship back together again. Dream 3) I had a dream that I had a baby and actually WANTED IT! Now for me that WAS a nightmare! I don't want kids!! So what that was saying, BEYOND ME! Dream 4) Now this is the most current and was definitely the most terrifying for me. It just occurred and I can't sleep again because of it!This is what happened: For all those who have weak stomachs, skip to the end please.. I had a dream that I was in a house full of strangers basically. Bob was with me but what I love most about dreams is that you don't always have to be who you are in real life. We were welcomed to stay the night and we ended up staying longer than I wanted. This house was HUGE and Bob were between the ages of 18-21. So of course he didn't want to leave. An overnight turned into weeks. The woman of the house was very eccentric. She had all this money yet bored. So she spent on her true "passions" and we got into a discussion over it one night as her and I sat on her bed having one of our talks. Apparently we had them often. A bond grew between us but her husband was another story. He was sneaky and vindictive. There was just something about him I didn't trust. Bob on the other hand, loved him and didn't believe me. One night as I was getting ready for bed and I wasn't feeling to hot Bob grabbed me by the hand and dragged me over into another room. I was baffled. "What are we doing here? This isn't our room." "No, he said. He gave us another one. Said we would like this one better! Isn't it great?" "But why?" "I don't know. I just guess because." (Moments like this I'm glad some women mature faster then men.)Next thing I know the real part of the nightmare begins. (Turn away now!) We were down in the kitchen, how it happened is beyond me but Bob was laid out and was forced to drink a mixture given by the "husband" I never heard his name. He looked at me and smiled, "That mixture will separate the blood from your boyfriends stomach." Now it's you and your friends turn. I had no idea who else who was talking about and who this person even was. The "wife" came up to me with this clear liquid on a banana leaf. She winked as I pretend to drink it and he just smiled. She liked me enough for nothing to happen to me. Once the drink was "gone" she leaned in closer and whispered into my ear, "Pretend to fall asleep now. Make a big scene before you do." I stared at the man and told him "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO US!" (After all isn't that what they say in horror movies??) I pretended to get groggy and collapsed to the floor. Listening to him snicker and snide as I heard him drag Bob's body away. It took every ounce in my body not to scream. Soon it was the girl's, and I knew at any time it would be me.I woke, and the man caught me. He screamed something at me and took my hand, cut it deep on top, I seen the blood rise to the surface and I don't remember how but I escaped with the last words from the lady ringing in my ears. "You can never be directly in the sun for too long now." (Okay, that makes some sense because I can't being on MTX anyways." Next thing I know I'm back in "my" house and another old friend of mine walks in. He comes up to me tells me he is sorry and if it's okay if he's back in the family. I was bawling and just nodded yes. He gave me 2 gentle kisses and just held me close. I thought nothing of it because my dear friend doesn't look at women that way. His brother was in the background. He gave me a huge hug. "Where's Bob?" I choke out.. I don't know. I hear cop sirens in the background. Did I call? I don't know.Time flies and I have children who own a rabbit and I'm standing in the kitchen with some friends as I lay on the floor with my feet up against the cabinets. "What are you doing?" They ask confused. "Hiding from the sun! DUH!" When we heard the scream coming from my child. Her rabbit was missing, and some friends found it dead. Mauled by a dog I guess. As I tried to comfort her I woke up. Unable to go back to sleep until I got this down. *sigh*So my wonder has now fixated, what could be causing these crazy dreams?! The MTX? the prednisone? Not my prozac?! My own unique imagination? And to be able to remember my dreams 4 times in a row?? That's new for me. I'm used to being an insomniac and when I sleep I sleep HARD! Hardly ever remembering the dream world. No wonder. I don't like this anymore.I'm starving. It's now coming on 6. I'm thinking breakfast is in order. Scrambled egg whites and salsa are a calling. If I'm up this early I want a good breakfast now man! I'm still to scared to clothes my eyes and sleep. Even though I know it was a dream the fact that it seems so real is what scares me the most. But most things in my life that I can't control, this I can. The factor that I either 1) Close my eyes and try to sleep again or 2) Stay awake and go make an amazing breakfast with coffee. I'm sorry but ANY option that involves coffee is a winner for me. Coffee and breakfast it is and you never quite for sure when I will be back! :D

I Don't Know What To Do

I don't know what to do.I act like I'm okay, but I'm a fXcking liar. I act like it's not a big deal that the school counseling system let me down. I act like it's all okay. I've almost completely given up on getting any form of help from my parents. I hate school and I feel myself losing interest in a lot of things that were at one point very important to me. I just don't have the energy for this anymore. My grades are passing, but slipping because I literally just don't have the motivation or energy to put in much of an effort anymore. I try to distract myself with writing and drawing because that much has stayed useful to me so far. I'm just trying to keep my hands busy so I don't cut myself more. It's all getting worse. The detachment phases last longer, the anger gets more hot, the energy keeps leaving me, and the cuts get deeper and deeper way more fXcking often. No one outside of my phone is helping me because no one thinks anything is wrong . I'm not a doctor. Apparently detaching from emotion for days on end, being able to fake it so well no one believes you, cutting yourself almost daily and then several times a day, and all this other shit is COMPLETELY normal. I'm so tired of all this. Every day i just have to keep going and keep going, hoping something will happen, but nothing does. I try to fix myself and I haven't. I try to get other people too help fix me and they haven't. Every day I just have to go and I'm sick of it

How sick is this? Am I a stalker?

I wrote to a famous person yesterday, a woman on CNN. This morning I read the automatic response. They mentioned "incredible volume." They read each letter and make a "feedback" report to producers. She probably won't see the letter and surely if she did would not have time to write back.Before I tell you about my sick response to awareness that my letter, which I worked on for a week, would not reach her, I want to give some background information.Persons who were very famous have written back to me. These were real letters, with real signatures. That made me feel important. I think that a therapist would say I felt validated. Anyway it wasn't crazy of me to think that she might get the letter. I had learned about her (e.g., I went to the college she graduated from) and written a direct and I think possibly helpful letter to her. Evidently her mother, who as reported is in jail because she hurt someone while driving drunk, has a problem with alcohol. In my letter, which was nice, I mentioned a book that has helped me as an adult child of an alcoholic.I have to say this even though it's embarrassing. Yesterday after I sent the final draft of the letter--through a comment box on the CNN website--I felt great. I was again going to reach a Famous Person. She might write back. I was going to be important again. Suddenly I felt positive and expected to succeed in the world, where I am manifestly unimportant. I don't matter to the world. Last night, having sent the letter in the afternoon, I felt that I would matter. I expected to succeed.I may succeed. I may come to matter in the world--I mean, of course I matter; I mean I may get a little success as a writer, may get a little fame.Wow; that's hard to admit. Writers never make it. But I have done a whole lot of work since January 1 of 1985, when I began to write in earnest. And there was a time when even Hemingway was unpublished. No one becomes Tom Wolfe overnight, wrote James Kilpatrick--who once sent a nice and real letter to me--not even Tom Wolfe.Back to the problem. This morning I read the automatic letter, e-mail letter. I won't matter to that person unless, by some miracle, I appear on CNN. This could be sicker. I recognized that she is married. I said and thought nothing inconsistent with that. And I didn't really want anything from her. It's just that a note back or even just some knowledge that she had read my letter would have felt great.Okay. Having learned that my letter is unimportant to CNN, that it will add up to merely a datum in a report, I got deflated today, which is funny because it's Thanksgiving and I have preliminaries to the parade on. I felt like I did not matter, again. I felt sick and weak in my stomach and chest. I felt vaguely sad. I lost hope.That is about it: hope. I had hope that I would reach her. I did not expect for us to become pals, but to think that I would again matter to someone famous had given me hope. I want to be one of those people. I think that my letter was not from just a fan. I wrote the letter as a potential friend. I don't mean that I expected to ever even meet the woman. I mean I didn't say dumb things like you're so pretty--well, yes, I did. I said that she looked "lovely" in her wedding photograph, shown yesterday (I paused the DVR and backed up to look at it), and that I watch the show, for about seven hours a week, to see her.I feel really embarrassed. I just want to know how sick this all is.Maybe it isn't terrible. I mean, looking for validation from a stranger--as if she were God?--isn't healthy.I won't go on much further. This posting is too long already. Let me just add that I believe I can succeed. Lots of people get novels published, and I have already written two complete novels; one of them got a compliment from an agent, before I threw the novel away. It's just that for a brief time I was rather sure I would make it. I hope I'm not a stalker. This morning, after reading the automatic letter, I lost interest in watching CNN. Also there is something simple: She is a very pretty girl, and I am not a very good-looking boy. I mean junior-high essentially. I wanted to be recognized by the most beautiful girl in the school. The fact of that is humiliating, but writing it out here must be good for me.Thank you for reading all this.Peace.

abandonment (a dream)

It was dark inside there, and big and square and from what I could see mostly stone. The air was cool. I was seated in one of those boats like they have at Disney World in "Pirates of the Caribbean." I was alone. I was seated near the front and on the right. There was a ledge next to me, on my right. Above the side of the boat, the ledge rose about one-and-one-thirds feet."I'm tired of you," my mother said.She was standing on the level part. That is, next to me the side of the level area rose to the ledge, to a corner, and she was over away from me. She was about 16 feet away. I could barely see her. There was almost no light, but I could make out her silhouette."Mom," I said. But I could barely hear myself; she could not hear me. "Mom"; still almost nothing came out. I was scared. "Mom"--again, almost nothing and no response.I got up onto the level area. Now "Mom" came out easier to hear, but still there was no response. She just stood there. I could make out her hair, stringy and backlighted. Her head moved so that one half moved away from the other; I did not actually see that but could tell it from looking at backlighted, stringy curls of hair.More and more intensely, I felt this awful cool emptiness near and beneath my breastbone. It was like grief and longing. I had to hear from my mother. I had to get to my mother. I wanted to hear her voice again.I moved toward her. She did not back away, but, as happens in dreams, she was now farther from me.I extended my arms and my fingers. I grasped at the air. I started saying, "Mommy." But it sounded like, "MomEE." I kept saying it and kept getting closer to her, but the cool emptiness in my chest kept getting worse. "MomEE. MomEE."I was almost where she stood. I was little now, five or so years old. She did not respond to me, made no sound and did not move. I kept bringing my arms and hands together, wanting to put them around her, and saying, "MomEE."I felt the emptiness as I woke. As I looked back on the dream, I knew that the feeling was the most painful I could remember having had.I think that the feeling was abandonment itself.I don't know what "I'm tired of you" means. I live with her; maybe she wants for me to leave. Maybe in the dream she is about to commit suicide. Maybe the big, stone room is like a womb, or a tomb. Maybe the parting of her head is telling me that she has more than one identity (never have I seen, this is in real life, someone who appears to be more conflicted than she sometimes appears to be; I wonder whether she has DID).When I woke, it was around three in the morning. I was inclined to leave my room and go sleep on the couch, to be nearer her bedroom. (Okay, I know: I am too attached to her. I never separated from her.) I decided not to do that, lay in bed; then I went and slept on the couch.My mother seems to have a dependency on alcohol and is emotionally unavailable. (She told me that she started drinking heavily when I was five.) If she has more than one identity, maybe the dream is about my wanting to reach a person inside what she seems to be.This morning I said I want to go to lunch with her. She said let's go next week. I don't know her very well.

Ready or Not? (very triggering and explicit)

Disclaimer: I have to provide this warning as this is me personally holding accountability for my words and the power they can have. What I have been spending hours writing is with intention of purposeful reflection of self and others through how they have communicated with me and I with them. It is a constant work-in-progress. Some of my actual heartfelt analysis is incomplete because I am running on fumes and lack enough knowledge of certain individuals. I invite them to comment on this discussion and I invite others to comment on this discussion. However what I am inviting is awareness and not half-hearted effort. If I sense half-hearted effort I’m going to call you out to clarify your intent and to effectively communicate better.Update: Man I was so tired and upset last night...let me clean this up for better syntax.Hello MHA Community,I have what can be considered either good news or bad news for certain individuals and it’s going to be interesting how you interpret what I have to say, psychologically speaking, by how you choose to interact with me and each other through this community forum online. My psychiatrist confirmed my instinct that I’m not experiencing mania all! Not even in the slightest! He says I am really putting heartfelt effort and support in my writing and written communication on a true cognitive level. {He said more than this but I think going further into the matter of how well I write need not be up for debate}.Of course, I told him when I write this it will be Hearsay- even if I quote him the evidence would be circumstantial. People are going to either believe me or not based on the writing I have written and how you self-reflect on my self-reflections. This is me looking at you looking at me looking at you and so on and so on to infinity and beyond. The real kicker is it is up to you! Think about it:A fair amount of people in this community, specifically the people I have heard back from in replies to my journal entries (you three know who you are) along with the recent feedback from my personal soul searing post under ‘discussion,’ do not effectively communicate. [I hate run-on sentences but I couldn’t avoid this structural error at this time because I am on fire and do not have time to edit properly] ~ maybe laterI direct your attention:Only ONE out of the THREE people truly stated they support me. I have a tremendous amount of respect for this truly special individual for coming forward and confiding her personal journey through abuse along with me. [She is the only person whom I can apparently trust. I am actually considering being friends with this uniquely understanding individual at some point in time but not at this moment]. So let’s dive deep in understanding these other two...let’s call them Person A and Person B. This is what I am feeling and perceiving: Person A and Person B tried to unravel my personal narrative, whether consciously intentional or not, through means of expressing supposed sympathy while NEVER STATING, “I BELIEVE YOU” or “I SUPPORT YOU” (shocked but not really). In addition to purport the notion of my “mania” when after conferring with my long time trusted and esteemed psychiatrist - they gaslighted me by making me question my own history of truthful and honest experiences. I wonder if Person A or Person B will blame their illness instead of their lack of effective communication which I have continuously expressed is necessary for true self-reflect and support. This is what I am struggling with:...EVEN AFTER I STATED HOW I WAS GOING TO VERBALLY VISCERATE ANYONE AND I MEAN ANYONE WHO DIDN’T BELIEVE ME...I didn’t want to think what my gut was telling me...perhaps they are or aren’t aware of their own flaws...? Both of their lack of faith in my own narrative shook me to my core because I expected these seasoned veterans of mental health to have a better grasp and understanding of how sensitive a subject this was for me or anyone to open up about. Anyone who doesn’t FULLY support what you have to say when you are stating the absolute truth about your life aren’t the type of people you want in your life quite frankly. What I am seething about and what my psychiatrist actually agrees with me about:Person A seems to use their condition and others conditions as a scapegoat which resulted in a certain individual, let’s call them Person C, to just step out of conversing with me, which was rude by the way, because they frankly didn’t respect me. This actually really really hurt me and it is troublesome to me personally that this person was indeed another man disrespecting me!!!!! AT THAT POINT NO ONE KNEW MY PAIN!!! Does anyone like to be disrespected? WHAT ARE YOU A MASOCHIST? No one could know how this jerk of a male specimen and Person A didn’t have the forsight to see what was really going on except for me living and experiencing their carelessness of a delicate soul reaching out. They carelessly ignored my NO neon sign image which isn’t a surprise some male ego speaking up about something he doesn’t even know about in the first place. Male ego is still nowhere to be seen probably disrespecting other people by being rude to them and their feelings because he thinks he knows what is better for any person than what they would know is better for themself. At this point I don’t care if he is alive or dead. I mean I guess I do but I’m so earnestly angered by this man that he is going to have to bend over backwards to be able to get any ounce of emotional consideration from me. All but a handful of men I have ever personally known, and I get very personal with people on many levels when I choose to communicate heartfeltly, can I actually call them real human beings. This is not to say I hate men, as I have stated I don’t hate because it is a waste of energy and a negative practice. I have encountered plenty of good men but can’t say I knew them on a more emotional level because I did not seek to communicate in that way with them. Again, I honestly can’t waste any efforts on trying to reach out and understand what any individual is trying to achieve in communicating with me in the first place if they are not effectively communicating. This isn’t me being overly sensitive this is me not taking intentful disrespect from Male ego. At this point I am more honest with myself and others than he probably will ever be at any point of his lousy existence. If he ever shows his face around here again without a long detailed explanation for his shortcomings and how sorry he should be for being so rude to me I will file a report. That’s all I can do but I hope I have him questioning himself and his actions. That’s actually quite laughable because we all know he doesn’t have the morality, the upbringing, and code of ethics which would indeed make him a decent human being in this unkind world.[Yes yes I have been ranting but I am due to rant considering everything I have been feeling, perceiving, living through, and experiencing.]Now, Person A stopped her treatments and doesn’t have enough self-awareness to know that she made a big big big mistake.You know I proudly display my flaws in full-view as they are badges of honor - that is what flaws are because if you don’t own them they own you. Believe me or not because it is up to you, but maybe try to own up to your flaws and see what happens as a test of your limits on yourself for greater self-awareness. Look:Do they ever try to wear their badges of honor out in public on full display? NO. They beat themselves up instead on the inside. Person A clearly stated how they hate being part of this ‘club’ - our lovely MHA Community here on inspire.com - at times inadvertently reflecting some deep deep hate of themselves probably unbeknownst to her or maybe fully being aware but does not have the fight left in her to care. If this individual hadn’t given up on her treatment, however long ago, they wouldn’t be in the pitiful state they are in at this moment. I actually have some advice for this person regarding treatment(s) if they are reading..if Person A wants help. This is also good general advice for anyone who doesn’t like treatment. As I am writing this ‘discussion’ Person A has replied to my previous comment so what they have written is not going to be reflected in this post immediately. Treatment isn’t easy and the results don’t show right away. If you are looking to alleviate symptoms you have to constantly seek support and treatment through self-reflection and honest, heartfelt, soul-bearing, effective communication. This is completely absolutely “100%” (Quoting that Male ego who obviously gives 100% in holding themselves verbally accountable. Little do they know I’m about to remove the rug from under their feet as I judicially scorch their only defense from said previous journal entry on “Why I don’t want to add friends on here...” Yes this is friendly getting to know you call-out if they are man enough to accept) free treatment. [Another juicy run-on] ~ maybe later...nah Back on target, Yes you have to be honest, heartfelt, and soul-bearing with purposeful intent in addition to being self-reflective so you can start the process of ‘HOW TO’ learn how to effectively communicate. Again, thinking on how you think with METACOGNITION - which is higher level thinking. I am personally still growing and developing this higher level thinking skill along with the rest of my METACOGNITIVE peers out in the vastness of space. It is not too late for Person A, if this person is in fact reading, and it is not too late for any individual. Now onto Person B...I can’t really say I have observed enough of her communication to make a comment. I think she is trying to actually be my friend, but we still have to build healthy effective communication with each other. I call into question her comments with others. She seems to just like to offer shallow compliments without really knowing deep down enough about certain individuals mental states because she wants to inflate their self-esteem on false truth - inconclusive evidence. It’s not to say compliments aren’t nice, but how can you really give a compliment to someone you truly do not know on a deep level? At that point it becomes a shallow statement. She also didn’t understand what I was writing which resulted in her to not understand how serious the content was. I like to keep my distance from people who haven’t fully convinced me of their emotional intent. She had sent me a friend request, but after reading this she responded by rescinding the request which clearly indicates she suffers from some shallow flaws in an attempt to upkeep her self-image of herself. I don’t blame her for this at all. I’m sure she was trying to be nice to me but she didn’t put enough heart into her intent. Let me take a moment to breathe.Observe. Feel. Release.Understand me here: I’m not doing this to be purposefully mean with anyone on here, far from it, for the carefully observant individual will already see what I am actually doing while writing this Exposé [I said I can write in other languages and I meant it. Though this word is far from new to me].It would be easier to hate these people and ignore instead of trying to understand why they do what they do since they apparently don’t question themselves enough on a more deeper level. I am deeply spiritual and practice self-awareness when I participate in any mental health community gathers as well as when I see my psychiatrist. We all practice self-awareness inadvertently through how we experience, perceive, and feel. I comically think of myself as a sage self-awareness dharma bumb.Interesting fact:I don’t hate anyone and I think it would be extremely difficult for me to actually hate anyone because that effort and energy could be better used elsewhere for my own self-development. I am selfish with my self-development because I am already giving too much into self-developing other people like these three I apparently have to spoon feed (my psychiatrist used this word to describe what I have been doing). This is their last chance to clarify intent. After this post I have no patience for them. I have spent so much effort in trying to understand what kind of people they actually are that it probably creeps them out. No one wants a microscope held up to their flaws because they don’t want to deal with trying to fix their flaws. They instead want to live with their flaws in a “I’m not good enough!” manner but it’s okay because “You’re not good enough too!” The problem with thinking this way is that it causes a negative cycle of self-hate which reflects on how they see the world and results in potentially harmful communication and perception. This is fear thinking and fear thinking is ineffective thinking. What I have been writing about so conceptually has probably seeped under their skin metacognitively (for instance they might be doubting their treatment approaches - if they actually have any treatment approaches). They might be doubting themselves. It’s okay to doubt yourself but look into who you really are as an individual and don’t over generalize about anything. Be through in your approach and you will get through results. Interestingly, their futile attempts at trying to shake my thought processing powers loose while applying minimal effort in their few sentences of recognition to communication are disgraceful to what a community can actually be. Another option, I, Ansvia, could block them. They’re probably thinking about blocking me right now but that’s not going to stop this heartfelt attack to their self-esteem levels by shining light on their lacking strength. The fact that I am writing about these three this much means I care and want to see you flourish in your own personal development. {Despite my seething rage at Male ego for how another man gets to walk away with treating me with disrespect. This will be my V for Vendetta only he will be the helpless Natalie Portman and I am Guy Fawks secretly holding him captive and training him to abandon his stupid male ego}. Anyway, You three have had some strength in your life to be able to approach trying to communicate with me knowing full well what I am capable of doing...I have actual hope for the three of you and I’m not saying this in the half hearted efforts you displayed in communicating in general. I’m sure this offends you but look beyond the pain as I am trying to look beyond the pain. WHICH TRUST ME THIS PAIN MAKES ME LAUGH BECAUSE I REALIZE IN THE END THIS ONLY MAKES ME A VIPER. I don’t want you three blindly going along with your depressive thoughts because you don’t have the will to fight against the darkness that consumes us all. Another fun fact:I have practiced boxing and they used to call me “Pinky” for my pink boxing gloves. I would come home in bruises which scared my mom but I reassured her by stating that this is going to make me stronger. Back on topic:It would be easier for me to not spend hours in trying to reach out and make some sort of effective communication effort (it takes hours to truly communicate if you want to get your point across as you intend it to be understood) on wasted breathe for these three individuals. They at this point, are specks of dust on my sunglasses trying to give some serious SHADE. [I’m not doing any of that actually. Shading these people wouldn’t elevate them it would lower me].What I’m trying to do: I’m trying to offer some “tough love” because you have to light a fire under some peoples’ cabooses to change the way they think to think. If anyone on here who chooses to communicate with me and they just want to wallow in their own misery please don’t talk to me. If you only want to hate your life and are waiting for death you need a serious life makeover. Who seriously in their right mind wouldn’t want a life makeover? That’s better than winning the lottery.Conversely how I am so aware of myself? Oh wait, I have always been!Probably because I don’t participate in shallow half-hearted support to mockly inflate my own ego as to try to appear like I know what I’m talking about. I don’t need to have friends on here (necessarily) to grow because I have plenty of friends and family and supportive people in my life besides the fire that burns in my belly. Deep heartfelt values that are confident to my core are what make my logic and belief in myself sound. I don’t believe any of these people are bad but at this point they aren’t good for me. They hurt me. It is taking everything in me not to try to lash out at that Male ego who clearly wounded me. He reminded me of every man who didn’t even acknowledge my existence. The fact is he didn’t even say my name when I clearly stated my salutations. NOBODY I MEAN NOBODY DISRESPECTS ME AND GET’S AWAY WITH IT! Too many people get away with treating women like they’re nothing and like their opinions don’t matter. And if you agree with men disrespecting women as something that is just the way things are or common place...NEWS FLASH: Women have brought EVERY SINGLE LIFE IN THIS WORLD FOR ALL OF OUR PAST AND FUTURE EXISTENCE. We outnumber men (actual statistic). We can handle pain better than men (actual statistic). We drive better then men (actual statistic). This list could go on forever + ♾. If men tried to get away with treating every woman with disrespect their would be such an outcry they would surely be rocketed to Mars (I’m making a reference to something but I’m not going to say what because I want you to think about what I mean).I’m not even sure how I will respond to these three. I’m giving them a chance. I’m even giving that Male ego a chance but I HIGHLY doubt he will show his ugliness again because I ran him out of town! Anyone with too big of an ego does not approach life respectfully. They act rude and are purposefully disrespectful of others. If you have a healthy ego you have enough confidence to believe in yourself and others. I know I have been particularly harsh on Male ego but it is because I would hope his future interactions with women change. I want to change how I see Male society at this moment but it is very very difficult for me. I am honestly trying as anyone can see. Maybe if Male ego would use a paper bag to cover how ugly his on the inside maybe he can still turn out to be a decent human being. I’m actually happy I finally managed to get all of that off my chest. I’m feeling much better now and can’t wait to see how people respond to this. I don’t care if you laugh or mock me or think I am stupid because this is the power of self esteem, self awareness, self compassion, and compassion for all of humanity. If you can’t see this after my whole efforts I probably can’t even speak with you on a cognitive level. It will be interesting to see what happens.

On the importance of being earnest

[If this is your first time reading my writing please be mindful that I may write in a style which may be triggering]Hi Morning Meanderers,I had some very vivid dreams last night which actually helped me sleep. I hope anyone who is reading this is ok and even if you aren’t okay at least you are doing something beyond yourself by participating in this support and discussion community of Mental Health America through inspire.com. Very early on while participating in this particular support and discussion community I realized that miscommunication can happen - in fact - a lot of miscommunication can happen on this site (as with any site dealing with support). {Particularly why I avoid forming friendships with anyone online because of the lack of transparency - though this does not mean I am not emotionally available for friendships on this community forum with certain unique and understanding individuals}. People are highly stressed and struggling. Everyone is hoping for new solutions while also not being patronized by what they already know. Coming to this forum to discuss issues using critical thinking and to try to provide informative support as well as empathetic support can be exhausting on both mind, body, and soul. The meditated action of “reaching out” to help others with mental conditions when you believe in the support system is tiring. It requires work and patience and the majority of us are suffering as well and aren’t professionals. A lot of people just want to vent which you can acknowledge however you think it could help (it might actually be of use to the individual in crisis which would be a pleasant surprise to some). At the same time you only get what you give and put effort into - honest hard effort. {Support begets support and so on}. I feel like I need to develop a template of disclaimers as well as stating that each interaction with one another is going to be a work-in-progress and the information I may provide may be something already known - which is why I will always personally recommend self-discovery, if and when at all possible. The way in which I write can take hours as I consciously am checking for any errors to prevent misunderstanding(s) which could lead to potential miscommunication(s). Thus, I will always edit my writing, even after posting, however many times until I feel satisfied. Also, checking reliable information sources that are effective in treatment(s) can take a great amount of time. Getting to the principle of the matter, quoting a Bible or some religious work is great but you, as a unique individual, have to understand the limited scope of practical application as well as WHAT HAPPENED TO SECULAR FREEDOM TO SEEK HELP WITHOUT BEING BELTED BY A VERSE? (I understand that religion may be all that is holding certain people together but I suppose some people find it actually helps - which is great and wonderful. It does help me at times but PLEASE do not solicit your religious fervor at me - I’m using ‘at’ instead of ‘to’ because your action as a unique individual isn’t a gift for me in view of a multitude of reasons of which I don’t want to get into. All the love and peace and blessings in the truestest of sincerity). However, I enjoy taking a more universal approach to not be potentially excluding certain individuals with a more worldly viewpoint (I have had the luck and blessing of studying and living in other countries - and let me tell you America...belting bible verses isn’t helping us on the world stage - it makes us seem like we’re not open minded by coming from a limited perspective and singing the same chorus over and over to no applause. You as an American may not care, but as someone who lives on this Earth you should consider we aren’t the only ones who suffer. Thusly, we are in absolute dire need of a more secular approach to make us more approachable; to truly help those in need with different viewpoints. Everyone comes from different backgrounds and WE SHOULD RESPECT that they aren’t wanting to be indoctrinated in any theological teachings no matter how pure of intention ANY INDIVIDUAL may be. This is a form of alienation among other horrible intolerances). Anyway I digress, I’ll go even so far as saying I don’t need a reply of sarcastic thanks or any actual thanks. I’m not doing this for any accolades. I’m here because we grow by helping one another. I’m hypercritical of myself and certain standards (thus I edit) because I’m flawed so some of those flaws you may encounter (or just did encounter). On account of these particular flaws, I can be judicially loquacious in dismantling arguments as this is how I have learned to communicate through potential debate of viewpoints. (I understand that I can appear mean but I choose to communicate this way to avoid unnecessary dialogue to get to the meat-of-the-matter and reserve my social communication for my friends. I am serious with providing help in my writing and written communication). Taking this into consideration, being reflective and coming back to journals still teaches me how to effectively communicate. A side note to understand me further, I practiced self-defense and some mixed martial arts for truly life-threatening situations. (I haven’t had to use these physical skills because I’m a “brick house” - something fairly personal there for those who are piecing the puzzle together. I laugh at anything that is one-size-fits-all hence my harsh critique of Brandy Melville apparel). At this point in this community, I’m having to write even more meta-cognitivly to help deepen personal perspectives of others as well as my own. {Help me help you by helping me help you}. [I think I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now...maybe]. Thank God! (Completely sincere and not being facetious - if I come across as facetious at times it is my own unique sense of humor).To wrap this all up I’d like to end on a remark of how classical music is very therapeutic to mental disturbances. When I have volunteered with a community hospital or when I’m at home and want to feel moods beyond the negative I tune-in-to KUSC (can be accessed around the world 24/7 online for free). Please see this list for more information:https://www.kusc.org/radio/how-to-listen/Now I’d like to provide more information but I don’t want to appear patronizing or condescending to the rights of how people feel. KUSC is community supported but you don’t need to be a member to listen - I’m not a member and have no trouble listening freely through multiple medias. It is affiliated with the University of Southern California and that’s all I’m saying on-the-matter. Please feel free to do some attentive listening as well informative investigating if you do so wish.If this has helped I’m glad. If this hasn’t helped you it might have helped someone else. And lastly, posting this has certainly helped me.

I hate the medical community. They suck.

My best friend and my mom finally convinced me I HAD to go to the ER. I went in Monday afternoon and the doctor was very concerned, they immediately said it was probably pnumonia. Then I started having chest pains and they did an EKG and my pulse was in the 130's for over 2 hours while i just lay there, and my blood pressure was in the 150's over 90's. Well, my chest x-ray came back clean but the ER doctor said I sounded bad and they gave me a breathing treatment and admitted me to the cardiac ward with a heart monitor. Well the house doctor was concerned because I told him ALL the health problems I've been having, skin, digestive, peeing a lot, exhaustion, respitory, he felt they needed to run a lot of tests to try and figure out if there was something serious going on. He wanted to recommend to my doctor running some tests for some rare things too since I had some weird symptoms. They did blood tests and my potassium came back low along with my creatinine and sodium and one other leval but I didn't see that one, and my glucose came back high. I figured I was finally going to get to the bottom of all my symptoms. Boy were my mom and I surprised the next day when my doctor came in and told me (drumroll for dramatic effect)- I wasn't sick at all in any way, I was having.... A PANIC ATTACK!! My mom almost fell out of her chair and I was so pissed that I snapped at my doctor "A panic attack that has lasted over 4 weeks?" So then he asked me why I waited so long to come in. Hmmmm, maybe because I get treated like a hysterical liar? So my mom puts her foot down and tells him there is something wrong with me and he needs to find out what it is. So I spent the week in the hospital seeing a cardiologist (she was soooo nice-NOT!) she said my biggest issue is I need to lose weight and excercise. She made sure to look me up and down when she said it and was looking at me like I was a slug. I'm used to that. I'm not THAT big but most doctors treat me like I'm an elephant and most of my health issues are usually blamed on me being fat. But anyways the heart doctor said my heart was completely fine-no problems. BUT she wants me to take an aspirin a day, every day from now on. ??? (Which is EXTREMELY dangerous with 3 of the meds I'm on already, so if nothing is wrong why is she having me take it?) The my lung doctor ran some tests and put me on breathing treatments every 4 hours, 2 allergy meds, and 2 inhalers, for a total of 5 medications. My PC kept insisting there was nothing wrong with me this whole time. I asked him why I was on 5 new meds if I was fine and he said that was standard treatment. ???? Then I saw an endocrynologist who found out my cortisol levals are really low. Now this can be BAD. He tested my adrenal glands and they tested okay (I found out I can be really sick and they will test fine and then suddenly fail, but the doctor apparently doesn't know this) He says that normally he would treat the low cortisol but since the treatment might make me gain weight he's not going to treat me for it. Now I could DIE from low cortisol if they don't find out what is causing it and treat it, but apparently the doctors would rather I DIE then be fat. So no help there. They didn't give me an IV to get me fluids, they didn't treat my low potassium, or low sodium. I kept telling them I was peeing up to 12 times a day and NOONE checked on that. I was drinking up to 140 ounces of fluids a day and they ignored that. They ignored the 7 bowl movements a day I was having, they ignored that my blood sugar tested 232 one time, they ignored that I would be drenched in sweat one minute then shivering and covered with 2 blankets the next, (One nurse even commented on how sweaty I was, I was soaking the pillowcases) Noone paid attention to the fact that I was sleeping 15-16 hours. The doctors insist that I am fine and it's all in my head and then they released me with the new meds, (4 of which I Gaurd said were VERY dangerous to take seeing as they have a lot of the same ingrediants so I might easily overdose by taking the prescribed amount daily) and I have no answers, and still feel like absolute crap. My arms are covered in bruises from needles, I am thirsty as heck, I have peed 5 times since I got home and I have been home 4 hours. I am so frustrated I want to cry. I threw away the medicines they gave me because, quite frankly, I don't feel like DYING because the doctors didn't bother to look and see if I can mix all these meds together. I have 13 meds prescribed to me now. I am at my wits end. I thought going to a major hospital would get me some answers but they thought I was a lying hypochondriac. Now the funny thing is My entire life I have avoided doctors like the plauge, ONLY going if I was pregnant, or if it was an emergency like when I had bronchitis so bad I was coughing up actual peices of lung tissue. BUt now there is something wrong and the doctors are telling me I am having panic attacks and it's all in my head. Hmmm, low potassium, low sodium, low cortisol, low creotinine, high glucose, extreme sweats and chills, excessive urination and thirst, respitory distress, extreme fatuige, diareahha and excessive stools, bloating and firmness in the abdomen (which the doctors felt how firm my abdomen was) pain when I eat, but there is NOTHING wrong with me!! It's just a panic attack. Apparently when I die, THEN the doctors will take me seriously. By then it will be too late. It was a horrible week. I feel so lost and I feel like I will never be able to function again. And now, my insurence won't pay if I do go to another doctor, because I had so many tests, and they all came back okay. I don't know what to do other than cry right now. I feel so drained. I am so worried that there is something seriously wrong here and that they won't find it until it's too late. My mom is worried now too. My best friend was pissed and even she said, if there is nothing wrong with my heart, why put me on baby aspirin? And why the heck don't these doctors pay attention to the risks and interactions between medications before they prescribe them? On IGaurd, 5 of my meds have a red rating and the interactions are big time scary and dangerous. And the worst thing is they aren't even monitoring me to make sure the meds aren't interacting or causing organ damage. And they are supposed to! I wish I could trade places for a day with each of these damn "doctors". I'd like them to live in my body for a day and feel what I feel and then come to me so I could tell them they are fine and nothing is wrong then give them a bunch of meds that they aren't supposed to take together. I feel like I am just going to be sick for life. Nobody is going to take me seriously or help me. :(

What a friend said to me?

Hi I sorta decided to message a old friend on my Facebook messenger app. To let her know that my grandpa passed away from Covid and I’m going through a difficult time. We’ve been good high school friends. But she also gotten me into some mischief and we both hurt each other. I stopped talking to her a few yrs ever since she and her boyfriend ( high school boyfriend who she forced me to like and I ended up being the third wheel between them. But I eventually liked him too ) she got engaged to him. Mid 20’s 24-28. I don’t remember what made me stop talking to her or wanting to hangout??? Was it a fight?I can’t remember? Was it over a boyfriend? I think so? She would set me up with the weirdest guys who aren’t real. And I suffer heartbreak and struggle with stress. I always end up alone and single while she always has many admirers and friendships and sexual relationships. But somehow we stopped communicating and texting on Facebook. Last night she texted me and was sorry for my loss. She want to see me after so long. I couldn’t make up my mind to see her this week?We texted and kept the conversation short. Then she asked if I had a boyfriend?Because Now she is married for 1 year now. She’s happily married. I said no I’m flirting and mingling. As to show the sassy side of me. Like she used to be in high school with her many boyfriends and fast relationships. She tease me saying “ don’t flirt with a lot of guys. Start settling down “.I roll my eyes and joked. I told her “I’m enjoying the flirting and texting with these guys. Having a little fun!”She took it the wrong way as usual. She said “ Sexting lol”?I said “ no. Anonymous chat groups in a app.”She laughed “ oh I thought you were tryna get some dick lol”“ cuz you said you were flirting “! I couldn’t believe how rude she is. She hasn’t changed at all. Those lewd remarks were the same as from our high school days. I sighed not wanting to talk about it anymore. “ Nooooo lol” I said. “ you have a dirty mind “She said “ aren’t you tired of being a virgin?”“ it’s not dirty. We’re adults!”She doesn’t know anything about me. And I didn’t want to let her know. She only cares about sex. And yes I’m still a virgin but I’m okay with it. Because I don’t want let anyone enter my body or touch me. I said “ Pass” to get her to shut up. She said “ Lol anyways “I said “ thank you for making me laugh a little bit.”Goodnight. I didn’t know what else to say. Is she really my friend?Can I trust her?She said if I need help with anything or looking for a job to ask her?Maybe now I should hold her to her word and hook me up with a job ?Since my grandpa passed away a few weeks ago. My parents are not doing well. Money wise it’s not good. My dad probably wants me and my sister to go to work and find something to do at a cheap store or fast food place. But maybe this friend will provide better job opportunities?What do you think I should do?Comment below. 

Inspire Fun Night!! :D (yet again!)

OKAY! So it's time again! INSPIRE FAMILY!! Saturday, September 27th, it's time for you to forget your worries and cares and have some FUN! :D Let's try again for around 7. (Inspire family around the world: This goes for you too! Whenever your 7 p.m. falls on! :D)Do at least one of the following:1) Play a game; with your family, a friend, online, wherever you can get a smile.2) Watch a favorite movie. Chick flick, action, comedy, ( Remember it's all about YOU and YOU enjoying your time!)3) If it's fall in your area like it is in mine, Sit outside and just enjoy nature wrapped in a blanket with a cup of hot cocoa or hot apple cider. Mmmmm!!4) Be a child again and play with a new toy. I know some of you are like there is no way I am doing this one. But it could be fun. Go to the store, buy a dollar yoyo and sit at home and just play with it for a few minutes. Laugh at yourself! Watch the yoyo go up and down. Practice makes perfect. 5) And last but not least. You can always join the site called Happier. :) I downloaded the app on my iphone and each and every day people from around the world, (Including yours truly) post something they are happy about!! Download the app and get your happy on! :D Don't forget to report back!Rules: (Yes there are rules!)1) We face OUR illness EVERY SINGLE DAY! WE ALL need some time off every once in a while just to smile. I've been thinking back lately on what my life would be like if I didn't have this and I'm finding myself sink in to a depression. Well no more! Stop fixating on what is wrong and SMILE.2) Again, NO NEGATIVE POST! If you can't say something nice don't say nothing at all! ANY negative post WILL BE DELETED!3) SHARE! Share this with your friends and family. Share this in other groups! Just get the word out that EVERYONE is invited to have some fun.4) MUST HAVE FUN!!! Don't join if you choose not to have fun! :D 5) If you can't do the night posted, choose a night close to it then and still REPORT BACK! :D The whole point is that you do it! :DCan't wait to see what everyone does this time! I know what I am doing and I can't wait to share!! :D

Nov. 29

I don't have a great sense of self importance, but I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to fix a lot of things about myself, but it's hard. I feel like I'm a selfish person for even being here. I find it helpful here though...? IDK. I know people who are really going through a lot of stuff in their life right now, really scary, really intense stuff and they are my age! A lot of people here are unfortunately going through very similar things. I don't have anything that's so tragic or frightening in my life, but I'm still here. I'm always either angry, or totally detached. Not a lot lately though, the detachment I mean, so I guess that's good. Just quiet anger, or tiredness. I've been taking these vitamins that are supposed to help, but when I don't use them or they wear off I go back to exactly where I was before. It doesn't make a huge difference because they are not actual pills or anything, but it's a large enough change that I can notice it. I still feel like shit all day, but I have more energy to talk to people, act okay in school, and I haven't had any stress headaches. So yeah, I kind of just do my best to listen to whatever brain-doctor, neuroscientist, phsycologist, I'm reading and keep going. I move from one distraction to the next so I don't spiral. I have a tendency to sit in my own internal rage and stew, sometimes without even noticing it and people always tell me that I look angry. On the car ride home from school today my mother asked if we were just going to sit in awkward silence or if I would talk because she could apparently feel my anger from just sitting next to me. The part that makes me feel helpless is that it feels like nothing I can fix. If you take certain stresses out of your life, certain problems usually go away, but nothing is wrong. I have it so easy and everything just feels like it's so dark all the time. I don't know if dark is the right word and it sounds emo, but I don't really care. I'm trying to use simple words like 'anger' and 'stress' and 'dark' because I can't think of other words to properly describe how I actually am right now. Kinda tired. IDK. I am normally able to word my thoughts more eloquently and accurately. A lot of stuff is normal teenager things that will luckily just go away with time, thank God. IDK I just feel like I'm quietly losing my mind and then I feel bad for that too. I feel bad for feeling bad because it's like I'm whining about problems that aren't. People are going through wild sh*t rn and I have some anxiety? I struggle every day not to cut myself when some people took it too far today? Some people aren't even here and *I'm* going to complain? One of the reasons I never said anything before was because I didn't want to look spoiled or like I was making it up. One of the reasons I think I started cutting (among the many, anyway), is because I just knew it got some level of result and I never had to tell anybody. Nobody had to know. I was losing it earlier though. I was SO CLOSE to going back and I just started rubbing my hand up and down my forearm like crazy because no one was looking. I was massaging my wrist because that's usually where I end up cutting myself. I was going to go, but a friend sat down next to me and I made myself stay for the conversation. I can't even remember what it was, I was just trying to look okay. I was antsy as fXck. Sometimes it's like I can't sit still, but I'm so exhausted. I think I might have said that before...IDK. Every day I just have to keep going and keep going and keep going. A lot of the time I don't think it's worth it, but I know I have to. I guess I don't *really* have to, but anyway... Here I am complaining again when I'm probably just being selfish and dramatic, right? That's their reason behind everything with me is that my whole family is melodramatic and they like to pick on me the most for it. Any time anything goes wrong, I'm just dramatic. I have to waste so much energy every day just trying to keep up with the rest of them, maybe I shouldn't, but IDK. Since I've been taking those vitamins I have more energy to act alright at school, but they wear off at around the time I get home, so...Anyway, I'm ranting here, so... I'll probably delete this later IDK

If I'm Such A Problem...

I just got into a nasty fight with my brother. Bad. He kept telling me that I should kill myself. I haven't seriously contemplated it in a year, I think about it a lot, but it's just kind of fantasy. Not in a way of planning. I feel like I'm not enough and I'm just a problem. If I'm such a bully and such a horrible person, then maybe I *am* better off gone. I'm not good enough. I'm not even good enough for myself ! My dad always finds something wrong with what I'm doing. He says that I do enough, but I should do better. It's always better, better this, better that, I have to keep up. It comes from a place of love, but can I just breathe a little?! He rates all my work 75%. Enough isn't enough. You get what I mean? Enough isn't enough. It's not even all because he wants me to succeed, he does, but my little siblings aren't as responsible. If I just do a little more then he can focus on them. If I just do a little more, do a little more, do a little more. Every time I think I've earned an 80% he says I've only gotten worse. I've been slacking, I need to pick up the pace, I need to...I've gotten sick of defending myself to him, so I just take it. There's no arguing. I'm just lazy and spoiled apparently. Enough isn't enough. Whenever I do anything, he picks it apart before telling me, "but it's okay" or "but it's good. Just to blank next time. I shouldn't have to tell you again." Once, about this time last year I made stovetop mac n cheese because it's his favorite for Thanksgiving. I had him try it and he proceeded to add five ingredients, change it all up, and pick it all apart. "But it was okay it was a good try". He's always back and forth. He's always SO proud of me until I mess up. Which is all the time. He's happy until-. His temper is *scary*. One of the things I hate the most is feeling useless and he makes me feel useless. Enough isn't enough. I feel like I do a lot, but apparently not. Take school, for example, I have to work SO FUCKING HARD just to keep my head above water. I want good grades, I had good grades until high school and now I'm barely passing. My school doesn't even let us have D's! I went there because I thought it sounded better and my friends said they would try to go, but nope. I have a couple friends going through some stuff, so I'm trying to be there for them too. I'm trying to make friends myself, but I don't like people. I'm working out, I'm dieting. Trying to lose weight when people say I don't need to, but I'm so sure I do. I'm trying to get decent grades. I'm on top of my chores. I'm always doing something just trying to be enough and it's not. Every day is so hard. I'm always so tired and so drained, I'm miserable and no one takes me seriously. My mother has turned it around some actually, so that's good. Apparently I'm still just a problem. I'm just mean, I'm not good enough at this that and the other, I'm not losing enough weight, I'm making everything up...If I'm such a fucking problem I might as well just listen to my brother. Just kill yourself, just kill yourself. I'm hearing it from the back of my head. I kind of always do, but it's not serious, honestly. It's magnified after this fight I had. I guess I'm fine thoughI'm always fine...

Catching up

Just a frustrated rant. I feel like whenever I make progress it's just in order to catch up to where people are already residing. I know friends who got mental and physical help when we were all in middle school, while anything having to do with my wellbeing was ignored. I see my friends effortlessly performing tasks and schoolwork without all the added anxiety/depression/neurodivergent/suicidal/chronic pain bullsh*t and I can't help but wonder if I would feel the same if I had been given the proper attentiveness. Every single problem I had –that should have been at least acknowledged by the people who f*cking raised me– is now something I have to solve and deal with. I feel like every day I have to unravel the threads of my subconscious in order to pinpoint where exactly something hurts, find out how to fix it, then search for the next source of pain. It is a constant stream of figuring out where exactly everything went wrong, and I have to do this every day when my peers don't have the same problems. I recognize it, of course. Now that I've cut my ties with my parents and built a stronger, healthier foundation to live off of, it's easy to see just how poor we were and how much that affected everything. I didn't realize it at the time (I was young, and that was the only world I knew) but I have been homeless twice, grew up malnourished (I basically lived off the school lunches, foodstamps, and boxed/canned dinner which I had to make myself if I wanted to eat) and wore ratty clothes that were twice my size. I was young! I did not see the problem with this! At least, not until it caught up with me. Meanwhile, all my peers were living comfortably, with parents who cared for their wellbeing, asked if they were okay (and actually did something about it if they weren't) and fed them dinner. They now have the upper hand in so many ways. Obviously, I don't resent them for it, they were given comfortability and structure. It's not a privilege, it's something Every child should have. I am insanely disappointed with my parents. They settled for apathy and didn't even try to pay attention to the needs of their children. I've told them this, which brought more closure and peace of mind than I thought it would, but with so many more things to analyze at this point in time, I still don't forgive them. I may in the future, but definitely not now. Also, not to mention the tremendous amount of problems my parents had with each other kind of made everything worse. My dad was cheating on my mom and my mom was an alcoholic who would disappear into the bathroom for hours on end to smoke weed. Meanwhile, my dad smoked enough cigarettes to the point he needed an artificial heart valve, and my mom would hoard so much sh*t you could barely walk through the house. They Loathed being around each other, and would glare at each other constantly when backs were turned. It's kind of funny, for the life of me I can't even remember a Single conversation my parents had. It's not like we ate dinner together, or had anyone over to our poor excuse of a home, or did basically Anything together. The only time I can recall a single f*cking word being exchanged between my parents was when my mom finally said she wanted a divorce. These stupid problems that should have been solved between them will stick with me and my sibling for a long time. Literally, the source of 95% of my problems was apparently due to poor parenting, and I've only just begun to break it down. Anyway, I did not wake up happy today, wow.

How to feel happy without worrying?

Hi. I'm new here. I don't know where to start, but I know that I'm struggling. I was diagnosed with social anxiety, depression and OCD. I'm currently on antidepressants, but I think that I may be becoming immune to them. I’m in therapy as well, but I’m embarrassed to say any of this to her because I automatically pretend to be cool in front of others. I do it without thinking and then regret it when my session is over. I have always worried about everything. I have always been nervous. When other 6 year olds were playing and genuinely carefree, I worried about the world ending, bills being paid, my parents feeling happy and fulfilled, and the inevitable death of loved ones.I come from a safe and loving two (biological) parent household. I have two brothers. A million aunties and uncles and cousins. I grew up in a safe and protected environment. I mention all of that because I really don’t know why I have always felt so sad. The older I get, the worse it is. I don’t think anyone understands how miserable it is because I’m really good at looking like everything is normal. I can crack jokes and smile and seem at ease, but on the inside I’m really struggling. The new thing that’s pushing me over the edge is a constant fear that I’m dying. Before, I was afraid that my loved ones were going to die and that kept me up at night crying and worrying. Now, my anxiety is focused on me. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was my struggle with infertility. I have always been really healthy and so when I struggled to get pregnant, I became afraid. Then I was diagnosed with really bad endometriosis. It was so bad I had to have two surgeries. I know it seems ridiculous, but apparently I have had endometriosis since I was very young. The fact that it went years without being diagnosed terrifies me. How has something so destructive been happening inside of my body for so long without me or anyone else knowing about it? I keep wondering…what else? What else is happening inside of my body right now? Is it killing me? Will I have to have more surgeries? Am I going to be able to have a healthy pregnancy or will that kill me? Will my family be okay if it does? Now, every time I notice a new bump or an unfamiliar mark on my body, or an ache or anything of the sort, I have a panic attack. What if this is cancer? No one will know until it’s too late. Just like with my endo diagnosis. And then I go through the process of grieving knowing that if anything happens to me it will make my Mommy and Daddy and Brothers feel sad like I feel every day and I never want to be the reason that they feel any type of hurt or anything. They’re so good to me, I just don’t want them to feel like I feel. It’s non-stop. I hate living like this. I always have to have the tv on or music on because as soon as it’s too quiet and I let myself think, all of this comes up and I have another panic attack. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid and hopeless and I just want to be like a regular person who can love others without being afraid that they’ll die one day. Help. Please. I’m so tired.

Anxiety Related to Allergies

Has anyone experienced allergic reactions? About 4 months ago, I went into the ER for what I thought were complications related to my recent C-Section. That ended up being okay; though they did find a bladder infection. They went to treat the bladder infection with IV Rocephin and I went into anaphylaxis (red swollen hands, hives, wheezing/hard to breathe, nasal congestion, etc...). The person with me in the ER had to go get someone, as the call button wasn't working in my room. They finally gave me prednisone, benadryl, and epinephrine. Breathing got better within 40 minutes, handing tingles and hives lingered. Anyway, although being calm during the event, I soon became a mess afterwards, which got exasperated with the development of random hives on my legs two weeks later followed by breakouts of eczema.For someone that has never had an allergic reaction, this has thrown me into a whole new world. I never worried about allergic reactions and that is all I seem to do now. I have struggled for 12 years with generalized anxiety disorder related to a fear of death, but these events have just exasperated this. Although my primary reaction was to the drug in the hospital, the hives, etc... two weeks later made me jump to thinking about food allergies (for what else could have caused random hives and eczema). Well you can literally be allergic to any food, chemical, even temperature or exercising. And allergies can just manifest whenever. Never knew! Although I have ruled out some foods either by testing or just eating, the fear of going into anaphylaxis again is just crippling me. I have crying fits it seems like every day. I am just so scared of dying due to an allergic reaction and not getting to enjoy life with my husband or see our two little boys grow up. I have seen three allergist and all of them say it isn't food. This should ease me, but I have been getting random symptoms such as small red bumps or rashes (apparently not hives since they stay longer than 24 hours); a feeling of food stuck in the back of my throat; a feeling of swelling in the corner of my mouth. These have typically occurred after eating. Again explaining this to the allergists, they still say not food related. Given this, they are reluctant to do food testing. The only way I have gotten testing done is through my Lyme doctor.Anyway, whenever I get a symptom, I just get pulled right back to the initial anaphylaxis. I am living my life two hours at a time, since they say that is when you are likely to react. I have narrowed my diet, in attempts to "control" the situation and are still afraid to eat the foods that I have tested negative for. I just feel like a shell of the person I was. I am in counseling and relaxation techniques have helped, but it is all temporary. I also do have an EpiPen, but this only provides me little relief, because if I have to use it the worst has happened. All that being said, I was wondering if anyone has gone through an allergic reaction this severe and if they have found a way to cope and how long it took them to feel "normal" again? You see people talk about the healing power of yoga, pilates, tai chi, etc... Curious if these have helped for anyone? I just am skeptical because it doesn't take away the event. Anywho, just trying to find some relief and gain a part of me back.

Struggling within.

HI. this is my first time on here so I’m not sure how this goes. I struggle with depression, social anxiety, and lack of support from the people around me. I’ve struggled with depression for almost 4 years, but it’s seriously affecting my life now. I have no one to talk to who understand what I’m going through; everytime I tell someone all they say is “ your fine , it’s just another bad day “. I want to get better , one day at a time. I want to help myself. I want to love myself again. Everyday I wake up and I feel so ugly. I hate my face. It makes me understand why people say “ omg she’s ugly “ “ she looks like a man “ “ ew look at her “. that stuff that people say brings me down hit causesw to believe every word of it. it’s like the more I told myself I was ugly, I became uglier. I also want help for someone. the kind of help I need is for someone to tell me yes it's difficult what you going through, but I wanna be here with you as you go through this. and help me find ways to deal with this crisis. I've had people I've confined in tell me they would be there for me.. but they haven't been. and it seems like no one around me notices I'm messed up inside. like some days I'll be having a bad day and appear normal other days I'll have a bad day and it'll show all over my face. And no one says " are you okay " " what's wrong , tell me what’s getting to you “. But I was never that lucky to have someone like that, and I feel like I’ll never be that lucky. Death is always on my mind. I wanna die. I don’t feel like there’s a place for me here. I have plans though , to make this world better. And I wanna stick around long enough to make those things happen. I’m trying to figure out what to do to make all this get easier. And it’s all gonna start with me motivating myself to get out there , and push. Reach for what I want, and go get it one step at a time.

What Am I Supposed To Do

So today has been another bad day from the start. It started with me only getting 2 hours of sleep. Then I had a doctor's appointment in which the doctor was checking out my knee and decided it wasn't really injured but in checking it he made it hurt much worse than it did before. Then I get home and park my car in the driveway. I deliberately parked it back because if I tapped the gas pedal even slightly it would have hit my mom's car in front of me. There was some significant space between us, maybe 3 feet or so, but it was close enough that I couldn't tap my gas again and it wasn't going forward without that. My dad tried to get me to move it up more, but I know the way my car works and it certainly wouldn't have ended well for me if I tried to move up any further. I know because I've hit the side of a building trying to park twice already in a similar situation. So after that, I decided to go back to bed because I didn't get much sleep. I woke up around 4 hours later and just stayed in my room for a while. Family interaction doesn't typically end well if we interact too much. I then go downstairs and the first words out of my dad's mouth are "I've got some bad news for you." Apparently, while I was asleep he decided to try to back his truck out and hit my car. It's generally fine, but there's a somewhat significant dent in the side of my car now. My parents are talking about bringing it in to get it checked out and fixed tomorrow. I shrugged it off because it's not like it was intentional. Sure, he could have come and gotten my keys so he could move my car to be safe. He could have been a little more aware of where he was going when backing out so he didn't hit my car. There are things that could have been done to prevent it, but that's okay. I wasn't mad. My mom mentioned to me that, in order to bring it up to the shop, she would have to move my seat. That's not really fine. Every time she moves my seat she doesn't put it back right. I need it where it is or I can't drive safely. It always takes me at least 15 minutes of driving to get it back to where it needs to be. If it's too far forward I end up hitting the pedals too hard. If it's too far back I can't hit the pedals at all. It's dangerous. I decided to try a trick I saw recently and put tape in so that it would show where the seat needs to line back up. I got frustrated because the scissors weren't where they needed to be. I yelled, and that was wrong. I know that. I got the tape thing done and told my mom about how it works. She got mad at me for it as if I did something wrong. Quote that she said behind my back: "Why is it whenever I try to do a favor I get shit." I responded with "Because every time you move my seat you never put it back right. I need it where it is." That turned into a yelling fest with my dad joining in. He's a very physically violent person. He has had fist fights with my older brothers. My mom left him because he's abusive. He's older now and nowhere near as strong. I'm much stronger than he is. I also don't have the... my mom says it's "respect"... that my brother has. If he tries to hurt me physically like he did my brothers, I will fight back and I will put him down. The entire ordeal got turned around on me. Him hitting my car was somehow entirely my fault. Him having to pay for it was somehow "doing me a favor". This doesn't seem right to me at all. I realize that he told me to move my car up more, but that wasn't possible. If he had been more careful it wouldn't have happened. So now I'm listening to my parents talk downstairs about how worthless I am. I don't see how this is right. I mess up, I have to take the blame. They mess up it's somehow never their fault. If you try to blame them it comes back on you. How is this right?

Exhausted, Frustrated, but some good news, too

Well, the breath test was long, but it was a pleasant surprise. I got to sit in this reclining chair through all of it and I could stay on my iPhone the whole time. It helped a lot to make the time go faster. One lady even had the botox scheduled tomorrow, too. So we talked about having that scheduled for the next day and how that would go. After the breath test, we went to check on the financial aid office. We got really bad news. They only have financial aid for 19 counties in NC. Since I'm SC and will have to get SC insurance next year, I can't get financial aid. And SC insurance won't pay for NC doctors. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I had to move home because it wasn't safe for me to live at home anymore because I was fainting so much and had so much dehydration and malnutrition going on (plus venous pooling), but now I don't have insurance that will pay for NC doctors (including my gastroparesis doctor, which is one of the top 100 doctors in the US). I'm so worried. Now I have to go back to another gastroenterologist and I've had to deal with some where I've been sent to PAs and not seeing the doctor and basically was told once the raglan didn't work anymore it was too bad, they didn't have anything else that would work and could only treat the nausea and some cramping. They couldn't help the pain or the stomach paralysis. Worse was the last gastroenterologist in Wilmington I saw. I had paperwork from both former doctors offices showing I had gastroparesis and he said I didn't have it because I didn't have diabetes and you have to have diabetes to have it. He had never even heard of idiopathic gastroparesis. And he was so arrogant. When I finally got to UNC's motility clinic they were able to do some more things but it eventually become too much for them to handle so they had to send me to Wake Forest and the doctor I saw there couldn't deal with it with the things she tried so she sent me to Dr. Koch at Wake Forest.And now I'm taking this giant step backwards. I hate insurance; it's definitely not out to help people and yet you can't live without it. And it's so in bed with politicians. The next day I went for the ballon dialation and botox. I was really out of it that day and was so upset that night because I had two accidents. It was so humiliating and disturbing. I was so scared that I had gotten to where I was starting to become incontoninant or something, but luckily I think it was just the anesthesia kind of slowly wearing off. It was a relief on friday when I finally started being able to think clearly and remembered that.Saturday I slept most of the day. Sunday I did as well and had a virus, and when I was up my asthma was bothering me and I kept having to use my inhaler. I was a little concerned because I had to see my asthma doctor on Tuesday and I knew I was feeling better with it because when I was putting on my compression hose, which is kind of how I really knew I was having problems with it (I have to wear compression hose because of the venous pooling. My doctor wrote a prescription for five pair because of the fact that apparently all my blood goes to the bottom of my legs or something when I stand up and the compression hose help with that. Thank goodness he made them just for knee highs, though. At least I don't have to wear these that are like whole pantyhose or anything. They are really tight, though, going on, and I had been having problems with asthma putting them on). The Arnuity maintenance inhaler has helped a lot with this, along with the Astelin and Flonase nasal sprays for my allergies and I don't have the asthma problems daily (I might have problems once or twice a week with asthma and putting the hose on instead of daily). Monday, the virus felt better but I was having to use my inhaler way more than usual, and I was thinking it was probably because of the virus.Tuesday we went to the asthma doctor and he agreed with me that it was probably due to the asthma that I had to use my rescue inhaler so much. He made an asthma plan for me and it said on the days where my peak flow meter was yellow I needed to take my asthma rescue inhaler that day and the next two after. So I went home before I looked at it unfortunately and kind of glanced at it and didn't realize until the next day what it said about using a peak flow meter so we ended up having to get a pharmacy in town to order one. Everything is so much more complicated here.Friday was actually a good day except for being so frustrated with two pharmacies in the county. I have one that I go to for most stuff and another I have to use for my mental health medication because I am so sensitive to some brands of it (I have to use certain generics of it-it's the weirdest thing. My psychiatrist used to not believe me until I got one filled at another pharmacy and showed up in her office crying and scaring all the other patients and they almost put me in the hospital. I had to assure them my mom was there and I wouldn't do anything dangerous for them not to send me there. I think I even had to sign a contract and have my mom talk to them. I don't know who it scared worse, me or them). Anyway, I needed my Arnuity asthma maintenance inhaler prescription refilled at one pharmacy and they didn't have it so they were going to have to order it (this happened some in Wilmington, but not much at all. It sure seems to happen a lot in the pharmacies around here. It happened with my nausea patches about a week ago, for instance). Then, my doctor had called about refills for my mental health prescriptions. I'm not sure exactly what they did, but they had somehow put the prescriptions in for them and for a chain store in Florence so it wouldn't refill them. When I contacted a person via chat about it, all of them got taken out. I'm just going to ask my psychiatrist for a refill when I see her tomorrow and make sure it isn't more than a month when I see her again. I finished my last dispersal tonight, but thank goodness I still had some pills of everything else. I guess it's my OCD but I'm so scared of running out of meds I need.Boy, am I in the wrong county. Okay, so they contacted me on Wednesday and said that my breath test showed that I had a bacterial infections, which was causing my delayed small intestine emptying. Thank goodness. That means at least there is a reason for that one and it's curable. So they prescribed xiflaxan. When I looked it up on the pharmacy website it said that it needed a prior authorization. When it still hadn't happened by Friday, I called Wake Forest. They had never received the information that they needed a prior authorization from the pharmacy. So here we went again. Finally, they got it and could go ahead and fill it. So I've been on it since Friday. I do have to admit that Friday and today have been the best days I have felt I believe since the gastroparesis has gotten started again. I kind of felt normal except for having to take so much medicine and having to take it easy and not do too much. Today I was able to even walk around the house twice with my mom. I see my therapist and my psychiatrist tomorrow. I get to talk to them about having to switch all doctors, including them again. I'm hoping my psychiatrist will write the new one saying that I am doing well on the meds I'm on and need to stay one them. I'm also going to have my mom go with me for the first few doctors appointments in SC. I know, unless this coupon that says $10 for Arnuity actually is true I will have to switch maintenance inhalers for asthma, I really need meds to stay the same. I'm in a good place except for worrying about insurance and I really need to stay there.

Passing Out, Migraines, Risperdal Increase, and Other Things

Well, I've gained weight so far since the risperdal was increased to 4 mg. I think it's helped calm me a little more but it may be placebo since it's only been since Thursday night that I've been taking the increased dose and it was only increased by 1 mg. For whatever reason, I am more calm, I'm relieved. I was able to go to my nephew's game Saturday but I didn't feel right at all most of the time I was there. I got two waters, besides the drink I brought in, and put some coconut pineapple flavoring in them because I can drink water with flavoring in it or flavored water but regular water really makes me sick for some reason, and I thought I was okay, but Saturday night I passed out again in the bathroom. I had locked the door and my parents almost had to take the door off the hinges to get to me, but then it opened. I guess I put on my clothes and was headed to the door and it went bad then. They said I was making sounds but not making clear answers and I wasn't making sense or something. Anyway, finally we got me up and walking toward the bed and I do remember feeling dizzy again. Apparently they took my blood pressure again and it got low enough that they called my cousin, who is a nurse, and asked her if they should take me to the ER or not. She told them she wouldn't right now but would check it again in about 30 minutes. Well, they decided to switch to another blood pressure monitor that we had that apparently was low on batteries that had it to like 70/40 and my mom freaked-she woke my dad to take me to the ER and told him they needed to take me to the ER. So my dad told her to switch to the other one, which still had my blood pressure as kind of low, but not nearly like that, so they felt better. I missed all of the excitement. I don't remember even knowing it was low. My migraines have been back the past three days. I think the sun just did a number on my body. They had been doing really well until I was out in all that sun. Then, it was like my whole body just decided to rebel. I've been taking cambia, maxalt, and diffusing peppermint. I'm hoping maybe tomorrow it will start to let up.